The Brunching Shuttlecocks Ratings

Apes and Monkeys

Someday I hope to be known -- like the noble baboon -- for my large, razor sharp fangs and colorful buttocks. "That Lore," I want to hear people say. "He certainly has strikingly vibrant ass-cheeks, but he'll flay you with his fangs if you cross him." Not that I'd actually flay anyone. I'd probably just use my fangs to open beer cans and make indentations in the soil for planting pumpkin seeds. A-

Japanese Snow Monkeys
These guys are really one-trick monkeys. A few shots of them up to their neck in hot water and people mistake that for personality. I'm from California and I can assure you that having personality is not a prerequisite for getting into a hot tub. All that's required is a willingness to be seen naked and a tolerance for white wine. C-

Pygmy Marmosets
This is the smallest monkey in the world. It's tiny! Ladies and gentlemen, this is a hand-held monkey! The applications boggle the very mind. To begin with, you could use it to distract anyone from anything. "Excuse me, Mr. Rampaging Killer? Why don't you put down the gun and take a look at this hand-held monkey? Does it not have clever little forepaws? It eats gum and sap!" It would be a lot like those old comic book ads where superheroes defeat one-shot villains with fruit pies, only better. Because it would have a monkey. A-

I dunno. These don't do it for me. Sure, they scat sing in Disney adaptations of Rudyard Kipling works, and they beat up bar patrons in Clint Eastwood films but I dunno. I think the thing that bugs me is when they "smile" in various trained-ape bits. That is not a smile. If I had to define it precisely, I'd have to put it in the "tortured, soul-searing deformed grimace" category. And don't ever get me started on the "kissy face." D+

Rhesus Monkeys
Also known as the "experiment monkey." They've even had a blood categorization named after them, which is just as well because I, for one, would not want to be known as "Chimp Positive." The good news is that if we ever give rhesus monkeys health care plans, we should be able to cure pretty much anything they get. C

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