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Apes and Monkeys
by Lore Sjöberg
Baboons
Someday I hope to be known -- like the noble baboon -- for
my large, razor sharp fangs and colorful buttocks. "That
Lore," I want to hear people say. "He certainly has strikingly
vibrant ass-cheeks, but he'll flay you with his fangs if
you cross him." Not that I'd actually flay anyone. I'd probably just
use my fangs to open beer cans and make indentations in the soil
for planting pumpkin seeds. A-
Japanese Snow Monkeys
These guys are really one-trick monkeys. A few shots of them
up to their neck in hot water and people mistake that for
personality. I'm from California and I can assure you that
having personality is not a prerequisite for getting into
a hot tub. All that's required is a willingness to be seen
naked and a tolerance for white wine. C-
Pygmy Marmosets
This is the smallest monkey in the world. It's tiny! Ladies
and gentlemen, this is a hand-held monkey! The applications
boggle the very mind. To begin with, you could use it to distract
anyone from anything. "Excuse me, Mr. Rampaging Killer? Why don't
you put down the gun and take a look at this hand-held monkey?
Does it not have clever little forepaws? It eats gum and sap!"
It would be a lot like those old comic book ads where superheroes
defeat one-shot villains with fruit pies, only better. Because it
would have a monkey. A-
Orangutans
I dunno. These don't do it for me. Sure, they scat sing in
Disney adaptations of Rudyard Kipling works, and they beat up
bar patrons in Clint Eastwood films but I dunno. I think the
thing that bugs me is when they "smile" in various trained-ape
bits. That is not a smile. If I had to define it precisely, I'd
have to put it in the "tortured, soul-searing deformed grimace"
category. And don't ever get me started on the "kissy face." D+
Rhesus Monkeys
Also known as the "experiment monkey." They've even had a
blood categorization named after them, which is just as well
because I, for one, would not want to be known as "Chimp Positive."
The good news is that if we ever give rhesus monkeys health care
plans, we should be able to cure pretty much anything they get. C
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