The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Bulk Breath Mints

In the chaos following the collapse of Western civilization, your first objectives will be to procure food, clean water, shelter, and fresh breath. Those less-prepared will be reduced to looting and murdering for a minty mouth that lasts as long as they need it, but you'll be ready with this 40-gallon steel tub of irresistible IntensoMints® with Refrescin®. Make this a "Kissably Delicious Apocalypse®"!

Gas-Powered Random Number Generator

When the power fails and every computer chip on the planet dissolves into a grimy puff of smoke and ozone, you're going to be hard-pressed to generate pseudo-random numbers from any given numerical seed. Unless, that is, you have this handy gas-powered random number generator! A single pint of gasoline can produce up to 2^24 floating-point numbers between 0 and 1. Also available is a sturdy hand-cranked Mandelbrot Set Generator.

Home Protection Gag Pak

Why resort to violence to protect your family and possessions from roving bands of lawless thugs when you can use wacky humor? Disguise your food supplies with our stickers reading "Venezuelan Vomit Spiders" and "Pretty Rocks" and the looters will look elsewhere! Wear the goofy "I'm With Contagious" T-shirt and your family is almost certain to be passed over for grueling slave labor on crimelord-run electricity farms! And the joy buzzers? They're just fun!

Commemorative Babylon 5 Gold Coinage

Experts agree that the only two currencies of any value in the post-Y2K era will be pure gold and science fiction tie-in merchandise. So we combined the two, producing these attractive coins, each bearing the image of a beloved character from the critically acclaimed, ground-breaking Babylon 5 series. They're sure-fire barter leverage! After the disaster a single Ivanova coin will, in all likelihood, be able to purchase twelve acres of fertile land and a young woman of childbearing age and chaste character.

Motivational Survival Tapes

Conveniently packaged with a battery-powered tape player and headphones, these motivational tapes each contain ninety minutes of inspirational and empowering messages like "Don't let the despair of living in a rat-infested cesspool of a former metropolis keep you from eking out a hand-to-mouth existence" and "You can be anything you imagine, provided your imagination is informed entirely by grainy news footage of mass graves."

Symbiotic Mutant Lackeys

Where would you be without a massive brutal man-child and his misshapen dwarfish overlord to enforce your will in the makeshift trading town you rule with a fierce tyrannical hand? Nowhere, that's where! This powerful pair not only fills the bill, they're also guaranteed not to attempt to usurp your authority, requiring you to enlist the aid of a loner with a troubled past to challenge them to a ritual battle to the death in a weapon-strewn iron cage in the first 90 days!

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