Bulk Breath Mints
In the chaos following the collapse of Western civilization, your first
objectives will be to procure food, clean water, shelter, and fresh
breath. Those less-prepared will be reduced to looting and murdering for a
minty mouth that lasts as long as they need it, but you'll be ready with
this 40-gallon steel tub of irresistible IntensoMints® with Refrescin®.
Make this a "Kissably Delicious Apocalypse®"!
Gas-Powered Random Number Generator
When the power fails and every computer chip on the planet
dissolves into a grimy puff of smoke and ozone, you're going to
be hard-pressed to generate pseudo-random numbers from any given
numerical seed. Unless, that is, you have this handy gas-powered
random number generator! A single pint of gasoline can produce up
to 2^24 floating-point numbers between 0 and 1. Also available
is a sturdy hand-cranked Mandelbrot Set Generator.
Home Protection Gag Pak
Why resort to violence to protect your family and possessions from
roving bands of lawless thugs when you can use wacky humor? Disguise
your food supplies with our stickers reading "Venezuelan Vomit Spiders"
and "Pretty Rocks" and the looters will look elsewhere! Wear the goofy
"I'm With Contagious" T-shirt and your family is almost certain to
be passed over for grueling slave labor on crimelord-run electricity farms!
And the joy buzzers? They're just fun!
Commemorative Babylon 5 Gold Coinage
Experts agree that the only two currencies of
any value in the post-Y2K era will be pure gold and science fiction
tie-in merchandise. So we combined the two, producing these
attractive coins, each bearing the image of a beloved character from the
critically acclaimed, ground-breaking Babylon 5 series. They're sure-fire
barter leverage! After the disaster a single Ivanova coin will, in all
likelihood, be able to purchase twelve acres of fertile land and a young
woman of childbearing age and chaste character.
Motivational Survival Tapes
Conveniently packaged with a battery-powered tape player and headphones,
these motivational tapes each contain ninety minutes of inspirational
and empowering messages like "Don't let the despair of living in
a rat-infested cesspool of a former metropolis keep you from eking
out a hand-to-mouth existence" and "You can be anything you imagine,
provided your imagination is informed entirely by grainy news footage of mass
Symbiotic Mutant Lackeys
Where would you be without a massive brutal man-child and his misshapen
dwarfish overlord to enforce your will in the makeshift trading town you
rule with a fierce tyrannical hand? Nowhere, that's where! This powerful
pair not only fills the bill, they're also guaranteed not to attempt to
usurp your authority, requiring you to enlist
the aid of a loner with a troubled past to challenge them to a ritual
battle to the death in a weapon-strewn iron cage in the first 90 days!