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The Truth About Abraham Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln: honest statesman, advocate of freedom, beloved man of the people. Or was he? Today, we bring you The Truth.

In the United States in 1860, decades of post-colonial inbreeding had led to over 40% of the male population being named Abraham Lincoln, with another 12% named Lincoln Abraham. (Most women were named Harriet Beecher Stowe.) In Illinois, a young lawyer named Romney Van Gorn deduced that if there were an Abraham Lincoln on the presidential ticket, it would provide said candidate a distinct advantage over his rival.

Van Gorn then changed his name to Abraham Lincoln, grew a beard and wore a top hat to disguise himself, and started out on the campaign trail. True to his theory, voters elected him, thinking they were voting for themselves, their neighbors, or the then-current head of the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Abraham Lincoln II.

Romney "Abraham Lincoln" Van Gorn. Now you know The Truth.

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