The Truth About Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln: honest statesman, advocate of freedom, beloved
man of the people. Or was he? Today, we bring you The Truth.
In the United States in 1860, decades of post-colonial inbreeding
had led to over 40% of the male population being named Abraham Lincoln,
with another 12% named Lincoln Abraham. (Most women were named Harriet
Beecher Stowe.) In Illinois, a young lawyer named Romney Van Gorn deduced
that if there were an Abraham Lincoln on the presidential ticket,
it would provide said candidate a distinct advantage over his
Van Gorn then changed his name to Abraham Lincoln, grew a beard
and wore a top hat to disguise himself, and started out on the campaign
trail. True to his theory, voters elected him, thinking they were voting
for themselves, their neighbors, or the then-current head of the
Roman Catholic Church, Pope Abraham Lincoln II.
Romney "Abraham Lincoln" Van Gorn. Now you know The Truth.