You may or may not have heard of "True Love Waits," which,
contrary to what you might expect, is not a Portland-based
acoustic alternative band, but is rather a Christian
movement to get teenagers to stop having sex. The idea, near
as I can figure out, is that the reason teenagers so often
end up having sex is because we haven't made them sign anything.
So you rally the youngsters, give them T-shirts and buttons, and
have them sign a paper (or, in a pinch, put their names
on a Web page) saying that they aren't going to have sex until
Now, I'm not actually convinced that having a fifteen-year-old sign
a document is going to accomplish anything. If, at fifteen,
I had signed a paper that listed all of my most dearly-held beliefs,
with a promise that I would always stand by them, I would have
violated that contract several times over by now, especially the
bits about how cool El DeBarge is. At best, the contract provides
something to physically throw in their faces when they give
into rampaging hormones sometime between the prom and graduate
But hey, if people of whatever age want to save themselves for
whatever future event they're anticipating, I'm all in support.
The thing that makes me thoughtfully tug at my goatee is the
bit where you can sign this puppy even if you've already had
sex. If you do so, you become a "secondary virgin." (Or,
as I like to think of it, Virgin 2.0.)
The implications of
this are truly mind-boggling. To begin with, how many chances
do I get? If I have gobs of sex, sign up, claim my secondary
virgin status with accompanying discounts at local eateries,
and then go ahead and have gobs of sex again in a moment of
forgetfulness, am I still a secondary virgin? Or do I
have to pull up the Web page and sign up again? And if I did
sign up again,
would I then be a tertiary virgin? And isn't "Tertiary Virgin"
a Portland-based acoustic alternative band?
Frankly, "secondary virgin" sounds like the moral equivalent
of the "Certificates of Participation" you used to get in
grade school when you had done something, but not won anything.
Plus, it'd piss me off when the primary virgins got all stuffy and
wanted me to get them drinks and stuff.
The kicker for me, though, is that to get
"materials or further help" you can call
1-800-LUV-WAIT. If the ghost of my aged
Jedi master gave me any good advice, it was "Don't trust an 800 number
with 'LUV' in it." None for me, thanks.