Battle Beyond the Stores
The main factor behind the success of Pokémon is so bafflingly
obvious that I'm sure thousands of toy executives are beating themselves
in the head daily. If you want to make a toy that appeals to both
boys and girls, there's no need to break down centuries of gender
role stereotyping. Heavens no! Just make cute little cuddly characters
that beat hell out of each other! D'accord!
It's a darned shame this approach didn't occur to our nation's
crap-hawkers a decade ago, or else we could have seen all
sorts of interesting and-cartoon creations. To wit:
The sweet smell of fresh berries mingles with the scent of sweat and
blood as adorable moppets with mayhem on their mind climb into
the eighteen-foot steel cage they call "The Berry Patch."
Smurfs: The Reckoning
There can be only one. The Smurfs come to the sudden instinctual
realization that they are destined to behead each other until only
Hello Kitty, Goodbye Teeth
Snapping from the accumulated rage of years of two-dimensional minimalist
whimsy, Hello Kitty takes it upon herself to beat all of her little friends
into a pulp for no clear reason. She has no mouth, and she must pummel!
My Lethal Pony
Dozens of killer ponies with pictures of assorted
weapons, symbols of death, and severed body parts garishly tattooed on
their flanks live in a constant state of war and strife. Try and comb
their hair and you may lose a finger.
This precious infant with a dark past comes with a certificate
telling you its name, gender, and how it pleads. You'll love your
new baby for 20 years to life!