By now you've probably heard about the rumors that President Clinton
has a special tie that he wears to let Ms. Lewinsky know that
he's thinking about her, and that he wore said tie to his
deposition. At first we were skeptical; frankly, Clinton doesn't
seem likely to be much into romantic gestures beyond paying for
the first round and referring to women he likes as "Darlin'." So
imagine our surprise when our extremely high-level, incredibly ficitious contact in the White House passed
us a document that indicates that not only does Clinton have a
"Monica" tie, nearly all his ties have a secret coded
message associated with them.
In the interest of national insecurity, then, we're providing
you with this handy form whereby you can look up Clinton's secret
messages based on whatever tie he might be wearing. Cravats, bow ties,
and bolo ties are not included.