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The whole Star Trek "Mirror Universe" thing is fascinating, and as far as we're concerned under-used. Sure, a universe where everyone's evil is pretty interesting, but what about one where everyone's really really itchy? Or a mirror universe where the Enterprise is staffed by a lovable crew of cartoon weasels?

Today, we're going to explore another mirror universe phenomenon: what if the flawed career counseling services at Starfleet had led everyone into different tasks on the Enterprise? We've run our simulators, and tabulated the results for easy printing, clipping, wadding, and back-pocket-stuffing.

 CaptainDoctor Chief EngineerScience Officer
Kirk - Constantly "accidentally" cutting shirt off with scalpel, then grabbing and kissing comely patients. Female crew refuses to set foot in his office and all die of a Denebian Yeast Infection, leaving the ship vastly understaffed during a confrontation with the Romulans. Ship destroyed. Decides in first week on duty that the Prime Directive is too restrictive and narrow-minded. Unfortunately, the Prime Directive for Engineers is "Don't put imitation Home Shopping Network dilithium crystals in the Warp Drive." Ship destroyed. Asks computer "What is love?", sending it into a destructive loop just as they approach a supernova. Ship destroyed.
McCoy Argues with every suggestion offered him, alienates most of crew, sasses off to Starfleet. Ship assigned to twenty-year meteor-counting mission in the Ennui system. Suicide rate of Enterprise crew twelve times average. - Refuses to touch "those damned infernal machines." Ship never leaves dock. Tries to fire lawyers and act as own defense during court-martial. Knifed in prison by a Vulcan who very logically didn't want to take any more of his shit. Complains "I'm a geologist, not a botanist" when asked to analyze native plants, "I'm a astrophysicist, not a geologist" when asked to report on planetary structure, and "I'm a botanist, not an astrophysicist" when asked to estimate star core temperatures. Eventually "let go" in ship "downsizing."
Scotty Starts galactic war when overly inflected "Walcoom ta' th' Antarproise, Sar" is mistaken by an Andorian ambassador as an attempt to say "Your mother earns a living servicing street-corner drug dealers" in his native language. Constantly tinkering with crew's innards, optimizing kidneys and routing pancreas enzyme flow through the hypothalamus. Health actually improves, but Scotty is the only one who understands everyone's internal layout, forcing all transfers and de-commissions to be declined. - Starfleet's foremost authority on distillation techniques throughout the galaxy, and inventor of the "Universal Shaker," a device which can instantly analyze an unknown entity's genetic structure and cultural standing in order to produce a pitcher of its favorite alcoholic beverage within seconds. This proves astonishingly more useful than a traditional Science Officer, and all ship-board science stations are replaced with wet bars.
Spock Follows Prime Directive with eerie efficiency, returns to base when Starfleet tells him to, never gets it on with alien women. Show folds after six episodes. Calm Vulcan demeanor cracks at the five-thousandth "Doctor Spock" baby joke. Disintegrates twelve crew members before turning phaser on self. Isn't lying when he tells Kirk that that engines can't take any more. Kirk ignores him anyway, warp core explodes and everyone dies. -
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