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Star Chart
by Lore Sjöberg
The whole Star Trek "Mirror Universe" thing is fascinating,
and as far as we're concerned under-used. Sure, a universe
where everyone's evil is pretty interesting, but what about
one where everyone's really really itchy? Or a mirror
universe where the Enterprise is staffed by a lovable crew of
cartoon weasels?
Today, we're going to explore another mirror universe phenomenon:
what if the flawed career counseling services at Starfleet had
led everyone into different tasks on the Enterprise? We've
run our simulators, and tabulated the results for easy printing,
clipping, wadding, and back-pocket-stuffing.
| | Captain | Doctor |
Chief Engineer | Science Officer |
| Kirk |
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Constantly "accidentally" cutting shirt off with scalpel,
then grabbing and kissing comely patients.
Female crew refuses to set foot in his office
and all die of a Denebian Yeast Infection, leaving the ship
vastly understaffed during a confrontation with
the Romulans. Ship destroyed. |
Decides in first week on duty that the Prime Directive
is too restrictive and narrow-minded. Unfortunately,
the Prime Directive for Engineers is "Don't put
imitation Home Shopping Network dilithium crystals
in the Warp Drive." Ship destroyed. |
Asks computer "What is love?", sending it into a
destructive loop just as they approach a supernova.
Ship destroyed. |
| McCoy |
Argues with every suggestion offered him, alienates
most of crew, sasses off to Starfleet.
Ship assigned to twenty-year meteor-counting mission
in the Ennui system. Suicide rate of Enterprise crew
twelve times average. |
- |
Refuses to touch "those damned infernal machines."
Ship never leaves dock. Tries to fire lawyers and
act as own defense during court-martial. Knifed in
prison by a Vulcan who very logically didn't want
to take any more of his shit. |
Complains "I'm a geologist, not a botanist" when asked
to analyze native plants, "I'm a astrophysicist, not
a geologist" when asked to report on planetary structure,
and "I'm a botanist, not an astrophysicist" when asked
to estimate star core temperatures. Eventually "let go" in ship
"downsizing." |
| Scotty |
Starts galactic war when overly inflected "Walcoom ta'
th' Antarproise, Sar" is mistaken by an Andorian
ambassador as an attempt to say "Your mother earns
a living servicing street-corner drug dealers" in
his native language. |
Constantly tinkering with crew's innards, optimizing
kidneys and routing pancreas enzyme flow through
the hypothalamus. Health actually improves, but
Scotty is the only one who understands everyone's
internal layout, forcing all transfers and de-commissions
to be declined. |
- |
Starfleet's foremost authority on
distillation techniques throughout the galaxy,
and inventor of the "Universal Shaker," a
device which can instantly analyze an unknown
entity's genetic structure and cultural standing
in order to produce a pitcher of its favorite alcoholic
beverage within seconds. This proves astonishingly
more useful than a traditional Science Officer,
and all ship-board science stations are replaced
with wet bars. |
| Spock |
Follows Prime Directive with eerie efficiency,
returns to base when Starfleet tells him to, never
gets it on with alien women. Show folds after six episodes. |
Calm Vulcan demeanor cracks at the five-thousandth
"Doctor Spock" baby joke. Disintegrates twelve
crew members before turning phaser on self. |
Isn't lying when he tells Kirk that that
engines can't take any more. Kirk ignores him
anyway, warp core explodes and everyone dies. |
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