In the wake of the U.S. Government's announcement that the CIA
lied about UFO sightings -- saying that people were seeing "atmospheric
inversions" and such when actually they were seeing American spy
planes -- I think we at the Brunching Shuttlecocks are asking the same question
that everyone's asking:
What the hell kind of spy planes were those?
I like to think that even your average below-average person knows
what a spy plane looks like: they have wings, they fly, they're trying
to look nonchalant. Considering this, saying that spy planes
inspired The X-Files, Independence Day, and endless chupacabras jokes
ranks only slightly above "swamp gas" on the plausibility scale.
However, thanks to the Government's new "my CIA" public relations
program, we were able to obtain documents depicting the spy planes
in question and associated equipment, which we present to you,
The "Peregrine X-14" Theremin-Equipped Spy Craft
This craft represents a step forward in covert technology.
Instead of the traditional "winged" design of aircraft, the
X-14 uses a revolutionary "saucer" design to reduce radar
profile, reduce drag, and increase the chance of being
mistaken for a huge Frisbee. In addition, the X-14 is
equipped with a state-of-the-art theremin, for making
spooky noises in the eventuality that spooky noises become necessary.
Infrared-Enhanced Atmospheric Mission Suits
These atmospheric suits provide both protection from the
near-vacuum of the upper atmosphere and enhanced visuals from
the large infrared-sensing eyeplates covering approximately half the mask
area. The gloves of the suits are equipped with tactile sensor
rods at the fingertips, extending the agent's grasp and allowing
him to distinguish whole milk from low-fat at a touch.
"Stiletto" Cow-Colon-Powered Reconnaissance Glider
This one-man reconnaissance craft overcomes the fueling limitations
of previous craft by running on the universe's purest and most
plentiful fuel source: cow colons. When an agent wishes to refuel,
he simply lands in an area with nearby cattle, and using
the included Bovine Evisceration Kit, neatly and cleanly
removes the colon from one or more animals. Each cow thus
treated will provide 500 miles of colon-fueled airtime.
Multipurpose surgery and diagnostic table
For use on long espionage missions, this medical table can
be installed in any standard spy saucer, allowing personnel to
treat themselves when a medic is not available. Includes
fully-calibrated probe selection.
Important Note: Capturing civilians and probing them to
relieve ennui or settle bets is strictly prohibited.
"Dervish" Atomic-Powered Crop Flattener
The "Dervish" is a self-propelled device which can, with
virtually no human direction, flatten standard food crops
in a large radius around itself, either in a clockwise or
anti-clockwise direction. With programming, the "Dervish" can
be modified to add lines, arcs, and smiley faces to the
basic circular configuration.
This device has no particular application in espionage.
It's just neat.
"Kestrel X-18" Enhanced Spy Saucer with IQ-Cloak Technology
This updated version of the Peregrine X-14 is equipped with the
ultimate stealth technology available, the "IQ-Cloak," which
renders it invisible unless viewed by a person or group of people
with a collective IQ of 100 or less. This ensures that the only
people who see the craft will be alone, morons, or both.