In the wake of the U.S. Government's announcement that the CIA lied about UFO sightings -- saying that people were seeing "atmospheric inversions" and such when actually they were seeing American spy planes -- I think we at the Brunching Shuttlecocks are asking the same question that everyone's asking:

What the hell kind of spy planes were those?

I like to think that even your average below-average person knows what a spy plane looks like: they have wings, they fly, they're trying to look nonchalant. Considering this, saying that spy planes inspired The X-Files, Independence Day, and endless chupacabras jokes ranks only slightly above "swamp gas" on the plausibility scale.

However, thanks to the Government's new "my CIA" public relations program, we were able to obtain documents depicting the spy planes in question and associated equipment, which we present to you, our readers.

The "Peregrine X-14" Theremin-Equipped Spy Craft

This craft represents a step forward in covert technology. Instead of the traditional "winged" design of aircraft, the X-14 uses a revolutionary "saucer" design to reduce radar profile, reduce drag, and increase the chance of being mistaken for a huge Frisbee. In addition, the X-14 is equipped with a state-of-the-art theremin, for making spooky noises in the eventuality that spooky noises become necessary.

Infrared-Enhanced Atmospheric Mission Suits

These atmospheric suits provide both protection from the near-vacuum of the upper atmosphere and enhanced visuals from the large infrared-sensing eyeplates covering approximately half the mask area. The gloves of the suits are equipped with tactile sensor rods at the fingertips, extending the agent's grasp and allowing him to distinguish whole milk from low-fat at a touch.

"Stiletto" Cow-Colon-Powered Reconnaissance Glider

This one-man reconnaissance craft overcomes the fueling limitations of previous craft by running on the universe's purest and most plentiful fuel source: cow colons. When an agent wishes to refuel, he simply lands in an area with nearby cattle, and using the included Bovine Evisceration Kit, neatly and cleanly removes the colon from one or more animals. Each cow thus treated will provide 500 miles of colon-fueled airtime.

Multipurpose surgery and diagnostic table

For use on long espionage missions, this medical table can be installed in any standard spy saucer, allowing personnel to treat themselves when a medic is not available. Includes fully-calibrated probe selection.

Important Note: Capturing civilians and probing them to relieve ennui or settle bets is strictly prohibited.

"Dervish" Atomic-Powered Crop Flattener

The "Dervish" is a self-propelled device which can, with virtually no human direction, flatten standard food crops in a large radius around itself, either in a clockwise or anti-clockwise direction. With programming, the "Dervish" can be modified to add lines, arcs, and smiley faces to the basic circular configuration.

This device has no particular application in espionage. It's just neat.

"Kestrel X-18" Enhanced Spy Saucer with IQ-Cloak Technology

This updated version of the Peregrine X-14 is equipped with the ultimate stealth technology available, the "IQ-Cloak," which renders it invisible unless viewed by a person or group of people with a collective IQ of 100 or less. This ensures that the only people who see the craft will be alone, morons, or both.