Smartass Answers to the 80's Quiz | The Brunching Shuttlecocks

by Lore Sjöberg

We got this quiz via e-mail. Chances are you did too, at some point. In keeping with our policy of "If it moves, mock it. If it mentions 'The Facts of Life,' mock it even more," we present to you our answers to "80 Questions About the 80's."

1. What was the British equivalent of "We Are The World?": "We Eat Reheated Cabbage."
2. Name six members of the Brat Pack: Molly Ringwald, that one that Molly Ringwald dated, the one that played Molly Ringwald's less-attractive friend, the one that played the nerd Molly Ringwald always laughed at, The one that played the unsavory guy Molly Ringwald wanted to date but was intimidated by, and Molly Ringwald's lips.
3. What Liverpool band popularized the Doors' "People Are Strange?" in the 80's?: Fun Boy 3.
4. Who had the trademark saying "Nanoo Nanoo?": Fonzie.
5. What was the original name of Duran Duran?: Duran Duran Duran.
6. What was the name of ET's favorite candy?: Nose candy.
7. What did people desperately tried to avoid getting on "Press Your Luck?": Herpes.
8. Name 3 books by Judy Blume or Beverly Cleary: Why Beverly Cleary is a Talentless Bitch by Judy Blume; Judy Blume: Semi-Illiterate Poseur by Beverly Cleary; Hey, Put Down That Stephen King Novel and Read Something Good For a Change by Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume
9. Who was the leader of the Transformers?: Ronald Reagan.
10. Where did the Superfriends congregate and watch the latest happenings on a big screen TV?: A sports bar in Newark.
11. What group did New Order evolve from?: Old Order.
12. What were the names of Kevin's best friend and girl friend on "The Wonder Years?": Trick question: both were his right hand.
13. What was the name of the mechanical bear on Battlestar Galactica?: Grand Moff Tarkin.
14. What commercial was Michael Jackson singing for when his hair caught on fire?: The Hair Club for Multimillionaire Freaks
15. Who was the 4th child on "Growing Pains?": Alan Thicke's inner child.
16. Name 3 Strawberry Shortcake characters (besides Strawberry Shortcake): Low-Fat Cheesecake; Blood Pudding; Flan
17. What, according to GI Joe, was "Half the battle"?: Gouging.
18. What was the name of the Bjork-fronted 80's band?: I was really hoping we'd get through this without using the word "Bjork-fronted."
19. Who lamented about "No chocolate-covered candy hearts to give away and no wedding Saturday within the month of June"?: Who didn't?
20. What famous Wham! frontman went on to record a multiplatinum record in 1987?: Ronald Reagan.
21. What was Dustin Hoffman's character's name in "Rain Man?": Tootsie.
22. Name all five New Kids On The Block: Dodd; Joddie; Dondi; Jed; Oddjob
23. What was the name of the show that featured Larry Appleton and his zany foreign cousin?: Crossfire.
24. Who played Sarah Connor in 1984's "Terminator"?: Sandra Day O'Connor
25. Name 8 Muppets from "The Muppet Show": Kermit the Frog and seven rats.
26. Who was the actress that played Ferris Bueller's sister? Hint: Patrick Swayze showed her "the time of her life" in a movie a couple years later: Whoopi Goldberg.
27. Who was the original singer of Los Lobos' 1987 hit "La Bamba"?: Ronald Reagan.
28. What was the name of the once Morrissey-fronted band in the 80's?: That sounds like a type of sweater. "This Morrissey-fronted cardigan comes in teal, terra-cotta, and eggshell."
29. Who was the actress that made waves in 1984's "Splash"?: Made waves! I get it! Because she was a mermaid! Waves! Splash!
30. Who was the lead actress in the famous bomb "Grease 2"?: I think the phrase is "leaden actress."
31. What craft toy involved cutting plastic figures, coloring them in, and then baking them in the oven?: "Crazed Babysitter: The Home Game"
32. Name 3 glam rock bands of the 80's: All of them were.
33. What planet was Spock brought back to life on?: Planet Hollywood.
34. Name 3 of the actors from "The Goonies": Alfalfa, Spanky, and Darla
35. What was the famous line uttered by an old woman in Wendy's ads?: "That's not my clitoris."
36. Name the four ghosts from Pac-Man: Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Patrick Swayze.
37. What were the names of the Saturday morning cartoon critters who lived in air-vents and befriended a boy who kept their secret hidden?: Head lice.
38. Name Eddie Murphy's skit about vocabulary on Saturday Night Live: "Eddie Murphy's Skit About Vocabulary."
39. What was the name of Michael Knight's car?....now, what was the name of his boss?: Come to think of it, his car was pretty boss.
40. What actor mouthed the line "Whatch you talkin' 'bout Willis?": Almost everyone at my junior high school, at some point or another.
41. Who played Axel Foley's best friend in Detroit?: Ronald Reagan (Look, you try doing this without running gags.)
42. What was the name of the funky van Scooby Doo and friends rode in?: KITT.
43. To what does the obscure song "Turning Japanese" refer?: Turning Japanese.
44. Which red-head won Star Search and then went on a shopping mall singing tour that took America by storm in 1987 and 1988?: The Little Mermaid
45. Which band had members Robert palmer, Andy and John Taylor, and Tony Thompson?: The Boring Name All-Stars
46. What were the names of all five Huxtable kids on "The Cosby Show?": The one with no career, the one with no career, the one with no career, the one with no career, and the one that had her own show for a while but has no career.
47. What were the names of the four Golden Girls?: The one who used to have a career, the one who used to have a career, the one who used to have a career, and the one in "Stop or my Mom Will Shoot."
48. What was the claymation Domino's Pizza thing to avoid?: Semi trucks with broken turn signals.
49. What oldies song was revived by the movie about a certain principal named Joe Clark?: Whacking Students (With a Baseball Bat)
50. What was the name of Ripley's ship in Aliens? (not Alien or Alien3): The U.S.S. Sequel
51. What TV actress co-starred in 1986's "Howard The Duck"?: None that will admit to it.
52. Name 5 movies made by John Hughes in the 1980's: All of them were.
53. What was the first video played on MTV?: MTV plays videos?
54. What was the name of Garfield's teddy bear?: Marketable Bear
55. What was the name of the bartender on "The Love Boat"?: Guinan.
56. Who was the head villian on "The Smurfs" and what was his cat's name?: Head villain? What, did he have a whole villain infrastructure?
57. What was the name of the guy who couldn't enunciate on "The Fat Albert Show?": Bill Cosby.
58. What was the name of the hollow hole-covered plastic ball kids used to hit instead of a baseball?: Biosphere II.
59. What was the name of the singer who died in Robotech's first generation?: Janis Joplin
60. What was the name of Bo and Luke Duke's automobile?: KITT.
61. Name 2 of the original 4 MTV VeeJays: Famine and Pestilence.
62. What German siren sang "99 Luftballons" (known in the US as "99 Red Balloons")?: Nena (known in the US as "Madonna").
63. Name the 5th original member of Depeche Mode who left the band, formed Yaz, and then went on form a more-lasting group.: Pete Best.
64. What group sang "Come On Eileen"?: Come On Eileen.
65. What speed did Marty have to reach in order to activate the flux capacitor? (once you remember the movie, this should be easy): 55, or 65 on the Interstate.
66. Name the two mega-popular bands which got their start on college-radio in Athens, Georgia?: Athens, and Georgia.
67. What was the name of the heroic boy in "The Never Ending Story?: Fun Boy 3.
68. So, who shot JR?: The heroic boy in "The Never Ending Story."
69. What kind of sword did Thundar the Barbarian have?: A big fuckin' one.
70. What was the name of He-Man's magician sidekick?: David Copperfield.
71. What band sang the theme song to "The Breakfast Club?": Snap, Crackle, and Pop
72. Name the 4 girls from the "Facts of Life" and their chaperone: Was she a chaperone? I thought she was more of an evil overlord.
73. What gothic rock group did Tones on Tail become?: "Tony! Toni! Tone!"
74. What were the names of the host and his sidekick on "Fantasy Island"?: Khan, and Emmanuel Lewis.
75. Name Buck Rodgers' pal: In a way, aren't we all Buck Rodgers' pal?
76. What was the movie that starred the little furry creatures from "Return of the Jedi"?: Um, Return of the Jedi.
77. What was Tom Cruise's call sign in the movie "Top Gun"?: "Smirking Dickweed"
78. Who got his 100-meter dash gold medal stripped away due to his steroid use in the 1988 Olympics?: Ronald Reagan
79. Who sang "Shattered Dreams" in 1987?: Same guys who sang it in '88.
80. Who played Ming of Mongo in "Flash Gordon"?: Molly Ringwald's lips