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Studies also found that cockroaches have the capacity to suffer, cows can react emotionally and sheep can distinguish one person from another, therefore possessing the concept of what it means to be an individual. -- Roger Highfield, Science Editor, The Electronic Telegraph May 2000 Scientists discover that cockroaches can suffer and sheep understand what it means to be an individual. August 2000 The same scientists claim to have proof that the stump-toed gecko can experience both regret and nostalgia and that most species of gazelle have a rudimentary grasp of the principles of the Dogme school of filmmaking. February 2001 A competing group of researches administer "The World's Smallest Political Quiz" to a select group of seabirds and discover that arctic terns are Libertarians. April 2001 The first group of researchers reveal what they claim is conclusive proof that the entire Family Cricetidae thinks that the arctic tern thing is bunk. June 2001 The second group of researchers responds with a hastily thrown-together paper indicating that the other scientists didn't even ask the Meadow Jumping Mouse, and besides, they have an unnamed source in Order Strigiformes saying that the migratory grey hamster was bribed. July 2001 The migratory grey hamster releases a statement denying the charges of bribery, explaining that it doesn't even possess the capacity to understand the concept of exchange of goods for services. The rest of Subgenus Cricetulus issues a statement in support of the migratory grey hamster. August 2001 Cockroaches take over the earth and force all vertebrates to slave under grueling conditions in their dank filth-mines, punishing the slightest sign of insubordination with a gruesome display wherein the offender is slowly dismembered for the amusement of the assembled invertebrate overlords. |
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