Satan on Wine Tasting
Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about wine tasting.
Kids, a trip to Wine Country can be a wonderful vacation , filled with
the great outdoors, good friends, bottles of wine and countless
opportunities to sin and damn your soul to Hell.
The cornerstone of any Wine Country getaway is to go wine tasting. If
you're like me, the only thing you'd rather do than spend a day hopping
from one winery to the next is to drag your toenails through the rotting
flesh of the damned while gorging yourself on their viscera. Yes, wine
tasting is a truly special event.
The first thing to think about when going wine tasting is, of course, how
to do it responsibly. Not everyone can wallow in sin while drunk on the
vines of blessed vice. Someone has to drive, and that person should bring
a soda, bottle of water or other refreshing liquid to ensure a safe trip
for all. Remember, drinking and driving will kill you, and no one wants
to become an unidentifiable mass of former humanity smeared along a
winding road just because somebody didn't know when to say when. So pick
a designated driver, or you'll be tempting fate, tempting the cops, and
doomed to Hell for all eternity.
But enough of that, let's drink!
When you first arrive at your winery of choice, you will be able to
sample their latest vintages. But don't just reach for the deep Cabs or
Merlots. Start with the lightest wine, such as a Sauvignon Blanc or Pinot
Grigio before advancing to reds such as a Sangiovese or Pinot Noir. The
whites will freshen your palate, ease you into this most luxurious sport,
and are just as good at dooming you to an afterlife of misery, suffering
and pain as the heavier vintages.
Most wineries will pour a pinch of their wares into a glass etched with
their logo. The logo is there to help remind you of your visit, and to
keep them in your minds when you are at the store, selecting wine from
all available. When I hold wine tasting events in Hell, I hand out
glasses etched with such things as a ruptured spleen, severed head, or an
image of five demons from the outer circles clawing their way through the
skull of a poor soul, frozen in mid-scream as his brains are churned into
so much silly putty. I want people to think of me when they drink.
Ready to begin?
First swirl the wine around the glass and notice the legs. Is this just a
thin watery excuse for a wine that deserves to be sold in a box? Or does
it cling to the sides and drip slowly down, showing the world that here
is liquid refreshment worthy of imbibing? A wine with good legs will be
pleasant to drink, and will leave you feeling happy, upbeat and open to
sin. A wine with bad legs will taste off, be completely dissatisfying,
and is a certain gateway to an eternity within the bowels of a fetid
creature of nightmare where you will spend all of existence among a sauce
of foul dung and putrid gore, with only the sound of a never-ending
inhuman wail to keep you company for all time.
Now smell the wine. Is it fruity? Sweet? Bold? You can tell a lot about a
wine from the scent. For example, most of my wines give off the faintest
odor of human suffering, masked with an ever-present scent of bile and
filth. One whiff peels the skin from your inner nasal passages, causing
blood to flow freely backwards down your sinuses into your brain, where
the constant building pressure can only be released by causing your head
to explode into a shower of bone, brain and blood. But then, my wines are
You've looked at the legs, sniffed the bouquet, now it's down the hatch!
At most wineries, you'll be given enough for a few sips, a chance to
truly sample the wine. Take some in and roll it around in your mouth, let
it hit all of your taste buds. Explore the experience. In Hell you don't
often have this luxury, as more often than not, a ten-inch steel pipe is
rammed down your throat and a hose of liquid fire is shot into your body,
scalding your internal organs and causing numerous blisters to form on
your insides, causing you to wretch about, still impaled on the end of
the steel pipe as your physical structure turns into a mass of goo from
the inside out. But each winery has its own method.
Hopefully, at the end of this wonderful experience, you have found a wine
worth savoring, worth collecting, worth buying. Be sure to keep your
newly-acquired treasures in a cool place, away from direct light. You
wouldn't want your wines to go bad, as that is a waste of valuable wine
and a sure-fire ticket into the depths of Hell and eternal damnation.
I'm Satan, see ya later!