Satan on Wine Tasting
by David Neilsen

Hi, I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you about wine tasting.

Kids, a trip to Wine Country can be a wonderful vacation , filled with the great outdoors, good friends, bottles of wine and countless opportunities to sin and damn your soul to Hell.

The cornerstone of any Wine Country getaway is to go wine tasting. If you're like me, the only thing you'd rather do than spend a day hopping from one winery to the next is to drag your toenails through the rotting flesh of the damned while gorging yourself on their viscera. Yes, wine tasting is a truly special event.

The first thing to think about when going wine tasting is, of course, how to do it responsibly. Not everyone can wallow in sin while drunk on the vines of blessed vice. Someone has to drive, and that person should bring a soda, bottle of water or other refreshing liquid to ensure a safe trip for all. Remember, drinking and driving will kill you, and no one wants to become an unidentifiable mass of former humanity smeared along a winding road just because somebody didn't know when to say when. So pick a designated driver, or you'll be tempting fate, tempting the cops, and doomed to Hell for all eternity.

But enough of that, let's drink!

When you first arrive at your winery of choice, you will be able to sample their latest vintages. But don't just reach for the deep Cabs or Merlots. Start with the lightest wine, such as a Sauvignon Blanc or Pinot Grigio before advancing to reds such as a Sangiovese or Pinot Noir. The whites will freshen your palate, ease you into this most luxurious sport, and are just as good at dooming you to an afterlife of misery, suffering and pain as the heavier vintages.

Most wineries will pour a pinch of their wares into a glass etched with their logo. The logo is there to help remind you of your visit, and to keep them in your minds when you are at the store, selecting wine from all available. When I hold wine tasting events in Hell, I hand out glasses etched with such things as a ruptured spleen, severed head, or an image of five demons from the outer circles clawing their way through the skull of a poor soul, frozen in mid-scream as his brains are churned into so much silly putty. I want people to think of me when they drink.

Ready to begin?

First swirl the wine around the glass and notice the legs. Is this just a thin watery excuse for a wine that deserves to be sold in a box? Or does it cling to the sides and drip slowly down, showing the world that here is liquid refreshment worthy of imbibing? A wine with good legs will be pleasant to drink, and will leave you feeling happy, upbeat and open to sin. A wine with bad legs will taste off, be completely dissatisfying, and is a certain gateway to an eternity within the bowels of a fetid creature of nightmare where you will spend all of existence among a sauce of foul dung and putrid gore, with only the sound of a never-ending inhuman wail to keep you company for all time.

Now smell the wine. Is it fruity? Sweet? Bold? You can tell a lot about a wine from the scent. For example, most of my wines give off the faintest odor of human suffering, masked with an ever-present scent of bile and filth. One whiff peels the skin from your inner nasal passages, causing blood to flow freely backwards down your sinuses into your brain, where the constant building pressure can only be released by causing your head to explode into a shower of bone, brain and blood. But then, my wines are special.

You've looked at the legs, sniffed the bouquet, now it's down the hatch! At most wineries, you'll be given enough for a few sips, a chance to truly sample the wine. Take some in and roll it around in your mouth, let it hit all of your taste buds. Explore the experience. In Hell you don't often have this luxury, as more often than not, a ten-inch steel pipe is rammed down your throat and a hose of liquid fire is shot into your body, scalding your internal organs and causing numerous blisters to form on your insides, causing you to wretch about, still impaled on the end of the steel pipe as your physical structure turns into a mass of goo from the inside out. But each winery has its own method.

Hopefully, at the end of this wonderful experience, you have found a wine worth savoring, worth collecting, worth buying. Be sure to keep your newly-acquired treasures in a cool place, away from direct light. You wouldn't want your wines to go bad, as that is a waste of valuable wine and a sure-fire ticket into the depths of Hell and eternal damnation.

I'm Satan, see ya later!