Hi there! I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you today about throwing
perfect housewarming party.
Satan on Housewarming Parties
Throwing a housewarming party means you're finally ready to show off your
digs, be it a fancy house, a new apartment, your first year in the dorms,
the freshly carved-out innards of a tormented soul doomed to an eternity
misery housing demons, maggots and pus. Your party is all about your
space, and you need to properly prepare it for display.
First, you should make sure the entire home is clean. Do the windows,
floors, the walls, everything. When I prepare to open a new tomb of
to my friends, I make sure every inch of every wall is covered with
blood and that the ceilings drip just the right amount of human bile in
the right places, but you might be better served with some Windex.
Now that your house is ready, you need to think about food. What are
guests going to eat? I'm a bit lucky in this respect, as most of my
are unable to eat, having had their jaws, stomachs and intestines ripped
their body amongst screams of horror. But I still try to leave a bowl of
pretzels or something in the hall. Dry pretzels. Very dry.
You however will most likely have living guests, and as such may want to
into food that doesn't chew it's way out of the human bowels. Chips are
simple treat. Cheese and crackers are nice. As long as you make an
your guests will compliment you on your choice, and you will feel warm
happy. To do otherwise is rude, boorish, and will cause your soul to be
doomed to Hell for all time.
No party is a party without music. But what to play? Depends on your
guests. Have you invited groups of young, impressionable teenagers who
angry with the establishment and looking to cause destruction? Air
may not be the best bet. If, like me, your guests are the immortal
sentenced to an afterlife of endless misery and pain, you may want to
something upbeat, like The Backstreet Boys, Tiffany or John Denver.
Personally, I like to mix and match old Slayer albums with polka records,
Markie and the sounds of ultimate human suffering. You can never go
with human suffering!
Finally, it's the moment you've been waiting for: Party time! At this
your main task becomes mingling with the guests. You need to be sure to
leave a lasting impression with everyone, make them all feel equally
This can be obtained with a meaningful conversation, sharing a
jest, or skewering them with a flaming vegetarian shish ke-bob. Me, I
sure to personally devour every guest's face whole at every party,
everyone as faceless masses, with their eyes dangling from their sockets
thread of gore. It's one of my quirks.
Yes, the right housewarming party can bring people together, make
happy, and allow people to make new friends. The wrong housewarming
can be awkward, dull and can be a gateway into eternal damnation.
I'm Satan, see ya later!