The Brunching Shuttlecocks Satanic Advice

Satan on Housewarming Parties

Hi there! I'm Satan, and I'd like to talk to you today about throwing the perfect housewarming party.

Throwing a housewarming party means you're finally ready to show off your new digs, be it a fancy house, a new apartment, your first year in the dorms, or the freshly carved-out innards of a tormented soul doomed to an eternity of misery housing demons, maggots and pus. Your party is all about your living space, and you need to properly prepare it for display.

First, you should make sure the entire home is clean. Do the windows, the floors, the walls, everything. When I prepare to open a new tomb of terror to my friends, I make sure every inch of every wall is covered with dripping blood and that the ceilings drip just the right amount of human bile in just the right places, but you might be better served with some Windex.

Now that your house is ready, you need to think about food. What are your guests going to eat? I'm a bit lucky in this respect, as most of my guests are unable to eat, having had their jaws, stomachs and intestines ripped from their body amongst screams of horror. But I still try to leave a bowl of pretzels or something in the hall. Dry pretzels. Very dry.

You however will most likely have living guests, and as such may want to look into food that doesn't chew it's way out of the human bowels. Chips are a simple treat. Cheese and crackers are nice. As long as you make an attempt, your guests will compliment you on your choice, and you will feel warm and happy. To do otherwise is rude, boorish, and will cause your soul to be doomed to Hell for all time.

No party is a party without music. But what to play? Depends on your guests. Have you invited groups of young, impressionable teenagers who are angry with the establishment and looking to cause destruction? Air Supply may not be the best bet. If, like me, your guests are the immortal souls sentenced to an afterlife of endless misery and pain, you may want to play something upbeat, like The Backstreet Boys, Tiffany or John Denver. Personally, I like to mix and match old Slayer albums with polka records, Biz Markie and the sounds of ultimate human suffering. You can never go wrong with human suffering!

Finally, it's the moment you've been waiting for: Party time! At this point, your main task becomes mingling with the guests. You need to be sure to leave a lasting impression with everyone, make them all feel equally welcome. This can be obtained with a meaningful conversation, sharing a delightful jest, or skewering them with a flaming vegetarian shish ke-bob. Me, I make sure to personally devour every guest's face whole at every party, leaving everyone as faceless masses, with their eyes dangling from their sockets by a thread of gore. It's one of my quirks.

Yes, the right housewarming party can bring people together, make everyone happy, and allow people to make new friends. The wrong housewarming party can be awkward, dull and can be a gateway into eternal damnation.

I'm Satan, see ya later!

More by David Neilsen Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage