With all the political wrangling that's going on in the Senate
over suitable punishment for the President's indiscretions,
many of you have no doubt been wondering "Why can't some
Web-based humorists come up with an amicable bipartisan
solution in their spare time?"
We were just waiting for someone to ask.
All of the options currently being discussed have considerable disadvantages,
as shown in the following chart:
Removal from office
Not enough votes. Popular support weak. Gore throws lousy parties.
Unsatisfying. Bad message to schoolchildren who
may be considering lying under oath about an affair with an intern.
Some say Congress is not empowered to censure. Anyway, Clinton
likes the idea, which makes a lot of members of Congress nervous.
But consider this: Congress is empowered to
enact symbolic holidays like "National Frozen Peas Day"
and "Self-Absorbed Teenage Poetry Week." They do it all the time.
Our solution, then, is simple. All our elected representatives need do
is proclaim some random day "National Bill Clinton Can't Keep His Pants
Zipped Day." It would no doubt garner major bipartisan and popular
support, it would be a yearly reminder of the power of DNA testing,
and with any luck we'll all get a day off.