Red Letter Day | The Brunching Shuttlecocks

by Lore Sjöberg

With all the political wrangling that's going on in the Senate over suitable punishment for the President's indiscretions, many of you have no doubt been wondering "Why can't some Web-based humorists come up with an amicable bipartisan solution in their spare time?"

We were just waiting for someone to ask.

All of the options currently being discussed have considerable disadvantages, as shown in the following chart:

Removal from office	Not enough votes. Popular support weak. Gore throws lousy parties.
Acquittal	Unsatisfying. Bad message to schoolchildren who may be considering lying under oath about an affair with an intern.
Censure	Some say Congress is not empowered to censure. Anyway, Clinton likes the idea, which makes a lot of members of Congress nervous.

But consider this: Congress is empowered to enact symbolic holidays like "National Frozen Peas Day" and "Self-Absorbed Teenage Poetry Week." They do it all the time. Our solution, then, is simple. All our elected representatives need do is proclaim some random day "National Bill Clinton Can't Keep His Pants Zipped Day." It would no doubt garner major bipartisan and popular support, it would be a yearly reminder of the power of DNA testing, and with any luck we'll all get a day off.

You're welcome.