The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

To: Reg Handley, CEO, Handley Appliances
From: Marcus West, Consumer Products Safety Commission

Mr. Handley:

While we are glad to be seeing progress made in the recall of your
Model 11-21 Coffee Maker, your efforts so far have been far from

To begin with, we require that you make sincere efforts to reach
mainstream media with the news of your recall. Informing only
"the guy who fixes the Coke machine" and asking him to
"tell the other Coke machine guys" is not enough. 

In our last conversation you told us that you were sending
recall information to Consumer Reports. However, we contacted
the editors of that publication, who informed us that the
only thing they had received from you was a press packet which
claimed that the Handley 11-21 "makes the hottest cup of coffee
around."  While this is a novel way of letting people know that
your product spontaneously catches fire, it does not meet
with our requirements.

In addition, we require that you make the recall process as easy
and painless as possible for the consumer. While it is true that
your elaborate system of "secret passwords," "mystery notes," and
"guys who will hurt you if you try to put anything past them" would
discourage fraud, in this case we are not so concerned with fraud
as coffee machines that are prone to fire, electrocution, spontaneous
explosion, and which, I might add, do not make a very good cup of
coffee to begin with.

I look forward to your compliance,
Marcus West
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