by Lore Sjöberg

Preliminary Results: 30 January 1998

Our top two contestants, Gary Tsalalikhin and Joseph Antolick, managed to make a tidy profit from our nation's declining moral standards, thanks to the recent allegations against our randy Commander-In-Chief. Kathleen, meanwhile, apparently foresaw not only that, but the Pope's declining health which gave a boost to the "False Prophet" category. What's the connection? Don't ask me, ask Revelations.

The bottom of the list is held down by Tony Lanman, who apparently backed the wrong Horseman with his investments in, among other things, "Drug Abuse," "Anti-Christian," and "Liberalism," all of which went down. Darn Promise Keepers.

Overall the Rapture Index was two points closer to the Apocalypse, which means that anyone who made more than a 1.2% profit beat the index fund.

The contest is far from over, though. Good Friday isn't until April 10, so there's plenty of room for surprises. Next update will be in February, assuming the righteous haven't been taken bodily into Heaven.