The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Men! People who are willing to pretend to be men for the duration of a Web page! You can find the love you desire! Yes, even a glassy-eyed parka-wearing slob like you!

The secret, as with so many other things, is bald dishonesty. Your local paper, knowing that your so-called "charms" are as sidewalk earthworms to third-graders, has provided you with a convenient way to lie like a Senator in hopes of getting a woman to be seen with you in public: the Personals page!

And now we make it even easier. Just look up the sordid truth about yourself in the left column of the table below, and use the phrase in the right column to translate it into a paragraph of deceit designed to attract lonely women like common household vermin!

You are:Say:
ugly and dumbfit
ugly dumb and slovenlyinteresting
ugly, dumb, slovenly and dullhonest
ugly, dumb, slovenly, dull, and dishonestsmart, handsome, fit, and interesting
You enjoy: Say:
gathering recycled cans at the seashorelong walks on the beach
hiding from the IRS in the mountainslong walks in the woods
looking for housing so you can move off the streetlong walks in the rain
booze, booze, boozewine tasting
yelling at those liars at the electric companydinner by candlelight
threatening strangersconversation
feeling women up in publicdancing
watching bouncing women in lycrafitness
having women bring you food fine dining
You expect her to be:Say:
anorexic with huge breastsproportional height and weight
completely stunningattractive
mind-bogglingly, painfully stunningbeautiful
You're looking for: Say:
friendship, maybe morefriendship, maybe more
casual relationshipfriendship, maybe more
serious relationshipfriendship, maybe more
hot, fast, oozing sexfriendship, maybe more
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