The 100-Question Parody Test | The Brunching Shuttlecocks

by Lore Sjöberg

Note: MOS = "member of the opposite sex." Hey, I didn't make up the acronym.

Have you ever:

1. had a date?: Yes. A date...with danger.
2. had a blind date?: I was going to, but we couldn't fit her dog and cane in the car.
3. been out on a date past 4 a.m.?: Yes. A date past 4 a.m....with danger.
4. danced cheek to cheek?: Yes, but not the cheeks you're thinking of.
5. kissed an MOS?: You mean, like, on the lips?
6. engaged in definitely sexual activity on the first date?: What is "definitely" sexual activity? Do you get your hand stamped or something?
7. kissed an MOS in the horizontal position?: "And then he kissed me. Right in the horizontal position!"
8. kissed an MOS in the last three months?: Of this year?
9. been french kissed?: Oui.
10. had or given a hickey?: Yes. I gave a hickey...to danger.
11. necked?: Okay, we've got kissing, french kissing, and hickeys. What exactly do you have to add to that to be "necking"?
12. necked for more than two hours consecutively?: Do I get to stop to go to the bathroom and wipe the lipstick off my ear?
13. seen a naked post pubescent MOS?: Why, did you lose one?
14. been seen naked by an MOS after puberty?: If the entire Porter College Class of 1993 counts, yes.
15. seen a stripper?: Why, did you lose one?
16. had an orgasm?: Ah...aaaah....aaaah....AAAAH! OH! OH! OOOOOooooooohhhh....yes.
17. had an erection, clitoral erection?: Could we have an interactive version of this where if you've had an orgasm, it assumes you've had an erection? I mean, MacinTax is smarter than this thing...
18. been engaged or married?: Does being someone's woman in prison count?
19. read a pornographic book or magazine?: Does SASSY count?
20. seen a pornographic movie?: Why? Did you lose one?
21. had an alcoholic drink?: Do two gallons of cooking vanilla count?
22. been drunk?: Been swallowed, if that's what you mean...
23. used alcohol to lower an MOS's resistance?: I've used alcohol to lower my own resistance...
24. had a loss of conscious due to drinking?: Yes, but I was drinking tainted Snapple.
25. smoked tobacco?: Smoked ham?
26. smoked pot or hashish?: Smoked turkey?
27. used cocaine?: Yes, as a delightful breath freshener.
28. used LSD, PCP, heroin, or Mushrooms?: Mushrooms? I lose a point for mushrooms? Oh, you mean psychedelic mushrooms.
29. used four or more recreational drugs in one night?: Yes, at least I think it was one night. It might have been ten million years.
30. been arrested?: Does my arrested development count?
31. been convicted of a crime?: If loving too much can be called a crime, then yes, I've been convicted. Convicted and sentenced to death by passion. But if loving is a crime, shouldn't Barry White be in jail? Shouldn't Leo Buscaglia be rotting away in some prison somewhere? Shouldn't James Taylor be kept away from the eyes of decent people? Well, yes, but not for that reason.
32. massaged, been massaged by an MOS?: I've had a woman pound on my back while I was lying on the floor, if that's what you mean.
33. caressed or kissed an MOS's thigh?: Hoo boy! Hose me down!
34. fondled a girl's breast, had your breasts fondled?: I'm unclear on this "fondle" word. Does squeezing her breast while making a clown-nose honking sound count?
35. fondled an MOS's butt?: You make it sound so...tawdry.
36. fondled an MOS's genitals?: Doesn't anyone use the word "genitalia" anymore? It sounds so much nicer.
37. had your genitals fondled?: Yes. I've had my genitals fondled...by danger.
38. had an orgasm due to manipulation by an MOS?: No, but I've driven to Fargo, North Dakota due to manipulation by a woman.
39. manipulated an MOS to orgasm?: "You're going to have an orgasm? And do you know why? Because I say so!"
40. showered bathed, jacuzzied or saunaed with an MOS?: Uh, I once went on a Slip N' Slide with an MOS. Does that count?
41. gone coed skinny-dipping?: I'm more of a chunky-dipping type.
42. undressed or been undressed by an MOS?: Uh, yes, but she was talking about how it was the worst poison ivy allergy she'd seen in her thirty years at the hospital, so I don't think it counts.
43. had sexual intercourse?: Oh, now I see what you're getting to! This is all a big sex thing!
44. had sexual intercourse more than ten times?: In binary, yes.
45. had sexual intercourse with a virgin?: Insert "virgin wool" joke here.
46. had sexual intercourse outdoors?: Does Outdoor World count?
47. had sexual intercourse three or more times in one night?: Buddy, I've had sexual intercourse three or more times in one lunch hour.
48. had sexual intercourse in three or more positions?: Yes. Pitcher, left field, and first base coach.
49. had sexual intercourse in a car?: Buddy, I've had sexual intercourse in the car pool lane.
50. had sexual intercourse with two MOSes within 24 hours?: Does it count if both their last names are Gabor?
51. had sexual intercourse using a condom?: Oh, is that what those are for! I just thought they were foul-tasting nitrous balloons.
52. had sexual intercourse during menstruation?: Either that or I've had sexual intercourse on a plate of salsa. I'm not sure which.
53. had sexual intercourse at the MOS's parents' house?: The worst part is, her mother was in a nursing home...
54. had sexual intercourse with 3 or more people seperately?: I've even had sex with three or more people all of whom know how spell "separately."
55. had sexual intercourse continuously for 1/2 hour?: Yes. Between "Reboot" and "The Tick."
56. had sexual intercourse within the last three months?: I'm not sure if saying "no" to this question makes you more pure, or just more pitiful.
57. had anal intercourse?: Had anal intercourse in three or more positions? Had anal intercourse in a car? Had anal intercourse during menstruation?
58. purchased contraceptives?: Hell, I've purchased contraceptives in bulk.
59. (arranged, had), an abortion?: Abortion arranging? Is that like flower arranging?
60. traveled over 100 miles for the sole purpose of intercourse?: When you get down to it, every mile I've ever traveled has been for the purpose of intercourse in some way or another...
61. described a sexual experience to a third party?: Like Maury Povich?
62. spent the night in an MOS's room?: Well, in her closet.
63. slept with an MOS?: I slept. She cowered in a corner and gibbered something about horses and bears.
64. committed statuatory rape?: Yes. You know Michaelangelo's "David"...?
65. been propositioned by a prostitute or a pimp?: A pimp once asked me how I'd like to have my head shoved up my ass. Does that count?
66. accepted?: Yes.
67. engaged in cunnilingus?: I like that. It makes it sound like the sort of thing you'd hear on an answering machine. "I can't come to the phone right now, I'm engaged in cunnilingus. But if you leave your name and number..."
68. engaged in fellatio?: Or maybe a military report. "Sir! We have located the enemy and we are engaging them in fellatio! Sir!"
69. gone 69?: Yes. I've gone 69...with danger.
70. tasted semen?: Once I thought I tasted semen in my McD.L.T., but it was just the mayo.
71. unintentionally interrupted a couple in a state of undress?: Not unintentionally, no...
72. masturbated?: When I think about this question, I touch myself.
73. masturbated with another person in the room?: Buddy, I've masturbated with another person in the cubicle.
74. masturbated to a picture?: Yes, but it was an ASCII picture.
75. been caught masturbating?: Yes, and it took me three hours to free myself.
76. watched another person masturbate?: Hell, I've timed masturbators in professional competition.
77. simulated intercourse with an inanimate object?: Remember those E-Z Bake toy ovens...?
78. been propositioned by a homosexual?: Oh, yeah. Constantly. Oh, wait, I thought you said "proposed to by."
79. accepted?: Well, you should have seen the ring.
80. picked up a strange MOS for sexual purposes?: Allthe MOS's I've picked up have been strange...
81. experimented sexually before puberty?: It's alive! Igor! My creation is alive!
82. had a V.D. test?: Coming soon: The 100 Question V.D. Test.
83. had V.D.?: Yes, I've had Van Damme. Who hasn't?
84. shacked up with an MOS for a month or more?: "Shacked up"?
85. committed an act of exhibitionism (moon, streak, flash)?: Those sound like sound effects from the "Batman" TV show. Moon! Streak! Flash!
86. engaged in intercourse in a public place?: The public library, public restrooms, public phone booths, the People's Republic of China...
87. engaged in intercourse with an unconscious person, while conscious?: No, but I've engaged in intercourse with an unconscious person while unconscious.
88. impregnated a woman, been pregnant?: Both, oddly enough.
89. committed incest?: Does sex with Sister Sledge count?
90. engaged in group sex?: "Sir! We have located the enemy and we are engaging them in group sex! Sir!"
91. fondled a pre-pubescent MOS when your were post-pubescent?: There's just no way to make this one tasteful, is there?
92. engaged in transvestitism for sexual enjoyment?: No, just plain old regular enjoyment.
93. been masturbated by a member of the same sex?: Mentally masturbated, yes.
94. orally stimulated a member of the same sex?: I've verbally stimulated a member of the same sex. Does that count?
95. used a form of sexual lubricant?: If you call Spray-On PAM a form of sexual lubricant, yes.
96. engaged in bondage?: "I'm engaged in bondage right now, but if you leave your name and number..."
97. engaged in sadomasochism for sexual enjoyment?: No, just plain old regular enjoyment.
98. committed an act of voyeurism?: I once watched my neighbor wax her legs through the living room window. Does that count?
99. visited an orgy parlor?: No, but I've visited an orgy truck stop...much less pleasant.
100. committed bestiality?: Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!