The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

You know the story. Peter Parker, nerdboy, is bitten by a radioactive spider, blah blah speed and agility blah blah Aunt May blah blah Revlon sales representative blah blah elbow macaroni blah blah cartoons.

But what, we ask ourselves between games of "Gran Tourismo," if some other animal had somehow made its way into that fateful science experiment, become radioactive, and gave old Pete a love nip? We know you've wondered something similar, and we present our answers below.

Elephant Has the proportional strength and speed of an elephant. Unfortunately this leaves him weak, feeble, and barely able to move.
Lungfish Gains the power to breathe air, which is obviously not that impressive, and also the ability to sleep for long periods of time when thirsty.
Human Becomes Human-Man, a man with the proportional strength and speed of a human; able to cling to cherished values and select comfortable socks.
Planarian Does whatever a planarian can, which is pretty much limited to eating tubifex worms and absorbing the memories of other planarian-based superheroes, if such existed.
Sea Lion Gains "Sea Lion Sense," which is just the ability to detect female sea lions in heat. While marginally helpful to marine biologists, this does not make for great superheroics.
Panda Able to eat only bamboo shoots, which strikes fear into the hearts of evil bamboo shoots everywhere.
Ferret Blinding speed and sharp teeth make him a reasonably effective crimefighter, but being banned in California and Hawaii makes it difficult to pursue fugitive supervillains.
Lemur Gains great strength and agility, as well as the ability to cling to reasonably knobbly surfaces. However, after rejecting the names "Lemur-Man," "The Amazing Lemur," and "Judge Lemur," decides just to go into banking instead.
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