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Could You Be More Pathetic?

Feeling pathetic? Thinking maybe it's time to end it all, or at least the portion of it all that keeps girls from talking to you? Cheer up, gloomypants! The fact is, you could be even MORE pathetic! Here's how:

You could get demoted from scaling to gutting.

Your shirts could be semen-stained and your underwear mustard-stained, instead of vice-versa.

You could still be addressing your pillow as "Kathy Ireland" instead of having switched to Cindy Crawford in 1999.

You might only have the FIFTH most popular selection of Chevy Chase sound files on the Web.

Your mom could take that one old video of you dressed up as Batman, singing the Batman song and playing air guitar, and she could show it to everyone at work instead of only those who make it to the annual Christmas party.

If you hadn't torn your Inspector Gadget sheets, you might still be using them today.

You could have completely lost that one online argument about how a eighth-level druid could completely kick an eighth-level ranger's ass.

You could still be pronouncing "ebullient" wrong.

It could have been a supervisor who walked in on you masturbating into the bathroom sink, instead of just a janitor.

You could forget to omit breed when people ask you about your corgi-bite scar.

You could have failed to make any progress whatsoever in your efforts to not automatically look around in a panic whenever someone yells "Hey, loser!"

Your left testicle might not have finally descended.

Someone might have seen you that day you almost fainted after stepping on a slug.

If you knew more people, that'd just be more people who know how pathetic you are.

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