The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

THE PLACE: Lenny's on Eighth Street. You: young woman with red-dyed hair and aluminum baseball bat. Me: mustachioed Casanova with Porche and concussion. I have discovered I enjoy grievous physical abuse and would like to experience more. 10231

TINY BACKPACK GIRL I love you. Saw your languid eyes and generous bosom at the bus stop and was too shy to say hi. Went home and masturbated furiously for three straight hours. Don't expect you to reply but this ad should supply another week of fantasy to fuel self-stimulation. 03923

LONG-HAIRED ADONIS, saw you at the Smash Mouth concert and missed a golden opportunity. Should have latched on to you immediately and never left you, would like another chance. I am a bloodsucking body louse. 20385

SAW YOU AT BOOKSTORE, or maybe farmer's market or do-it-yourself car wash. You had brown hair and some variety of bluish shirt or jacket. I was probably wearing a cowboy shirt or turtleneck. I caught your eye, you either smiled or coughed. Please call. 33452

SHANE, come back! Shane! Come back, Shane! Shane! Shane, come back! 90050

MET YOU at the Chinese Acrobatics Exhibition, asked you out, took you to dinner and local theater, walked along the riverfront with you, went back to your room, had a drink, made small talk, went to bed with you. Forgot to have sex. Let's give it another try. 12093

HIP SHOE-WAX? Big bad lemur tamer. Saw you at the Box Welder. You: moist, organic. Me: repentant, self-cleaning. Can't stop the nuts. May be habit-forming. Alpine lace, beet juice, mice mice mice mice mice. Yoiks! 89431

YOU GAVE BIRTH to me, breast-fed me, raised me through infancy and childhood. I went to college, lost your number. Would like you to do my laundry. Call soon. 93090

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