by Lore Sjöberg

We're just like anybody else; we want to sell a movie script for heavy bank and and sit back for a life of luxury, excess, and exotic drinks in unusual colors. Toward that end, we've managed to put together a hot little property that will pack in the unwashed masses like so many Milk-Dud-eating herd beasts.

We call it "Pathfinder."

Dirk Pantech (we're thinking Tom Cruise) is a man with a mission: the Pathfinder mission.

When the engineers of the Pathfinder Mars exploration project lose contact with the Mars rover Sojourner, all the engineers on the project eventually stop trying to re-establish contact -- all except one.

Head Engineer: Dirk, give it up. We've lost her.
Dirk: Never! She was a friend, Al. And where I come from, you don't give up on a friend!

Fired from the project, disavowed by the government, Dirk vows to do whatever it takes to get Sojourner back.

Head Engineer: You're off the project, Dirk!
Dirk: You don't get it, do you? This isn't a project anymore! This is personal!

A man obsessed, Dirk spends days following leads, to no avail.

Dirk: (Man-handling scumbag) Listen, scumbag! Word on the street is that you know something about rover subsystem telemetry and alpha proton x-ray spectrometers!
Scumbag: I don't know nothin', man! Nothin!
Dirk: (Whacking him) Liar!

Finally, with the help of a beautiful stranger (Winona Ryder, or maybe Lisa Loeb with a decent makeup artist), he uncovers the plot nobody suspected.

Evil European-Sounding Guy: Yes, Mr. Pantech. Your beloved Sojourner is ours now. And she'll be quite safe...as long as she cooperates.
Dirk: You bastard! I'll see you dead for this!
Evil European-Sounding Guy: I think not, Mr. Pantech. The only one you will see dead...is yourself.

The movie culminates in a cinematic buffet of massive property damage, suspense, dubious physics, and explosions that nearly mess up Tom's hair. Good wins, evil dies with gruesome foley work, the leads trade spit, the soundtrack plays over the credits, the whole twenty-seven feet.

It's got everything. Action, intrigue, romance, and the nerd factor so important to today's blockbusters. Any producers out there? Give us a call, we'll talk.