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Smartass Answers to the Loving Nature Quiz

Because only an impersonal set of questions on a computer screen can tell you how loving you are...

1. Do you occasionally take time to evaluate yourself and those people whom you profess to love?

Yes. On a quarterly basis I schedule time with my loved ones for a frank appraisal of their performance within my social structure. I then use these evaluations to suggest a proactive course of future mutual amity. That means I'm tender.

2. Do you remember your family and friends with cards and letters?

Sure. Cards, letters, subpoenas, restraining orders, the works.

3. Are you enough concerned to take an active interest in at least one civil organization?

Do XFL cheerleaders count as a civil organization?

4. Would you be willing to sponsor a child from a war-torn country?

Meaning he'd wear my logo on all his clothing? Sure!

5. Does it please you to give gifts to others?

Yes. I enjoy the uncomfortable sense of social obligation it engenders.

6. Is it easy for you to say "thank you" to those who give you service?

Depends on whether they're servicing me at the time.

7. Can you forgive and forget?

I can repress and deny. Is that close enough?

8. Were you reared in a loving environment?

I'm not sure I was reared. That sounds uncomfortable.

9. Do you usually find that people older than yourself are boring?

Yes. Also, people who are talking to me.

10. In there in or around your living quarters at least one growing plant or pet which you take care of?

Does refrigerator mold count?

11. Do you enjoy television shows or motion pictures which depict scenes of happy families and tender romance?

As long as those scenes are leading up to the scene where they're devoured by malevolent aliens, sure.

12. Below is a famous statement written by adults and children alike. Read the sentence and then pick the one letter you like the best. "I Love You."

That candelabra-looking letter in Cyrillic beats hell out of all of them.

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