Ladies and gentlemen of the press, loyal readers, people who stumbled
across this page searching on the phrase "chocolatey goodness": I
stand before you today to announce my candidacy for the President of
the United States of America. At first I had planned on participating
in the coming election solely as a concerned voter and smartass,
but when I learned that reader Stentor Danielson had, using only the
sweat of his brow and dubious Photoshop skills, created a Lore 2000 campaign page,
I knew what I had to do. After consulting with my family and praying
to Otr -- the Norse Otter God -- for guidance,
I have decided to accept the nomination of the Brunching Party.
Already, my campaign has encountered criticism. There are those
who say I am unelectable. They point out that the U.S. Constitution
specifically forbids those under the age of 35 from holding the Office
of the President. To them I say this: an unelectable candidate is an
unimpeachable candidate. By remaining unelectable, I can guarantee that
I will never sully the Presidency with arousing tales of my steaming
The American people want a reformer. The American people want
an outsider. I ask you: who is more of an outsider than someone
legally unable to accept the position to which he has been elected?
My unelectability will guarantee that my campaign will not be funded
by soft money, that my campaign will not be funded by special interest
money -- hell, I'll be lucky to unload the bumper stickers we're having
We have a tough campaign ahead of us, made tougher by the fact that I plan
to spend most of it playing "Hot Shots Golf 2" on the Playstation. But
I shall persevere, knowing that I have the support of my loved ones,
the mandate of the people, and most importantly, the inability to hold office.
The platform of the Brunching Party will be determined in the near future
by means of an interactive Web toy. Until then, thank you and drink up.
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