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Ladies and gentlemen of the press, loyal readers, people who stumbled across this page searching on the phrase "chocolatey goodness": I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for the President of the United States of America. At first I had planned on participating in the coming election solely as a concerned voter and smartass, but when I learned that reader Stentor Danielson had, using only the sweat of his brow and dubious Photoshop skills, created a Lore 2000 campaign page, I knew what I had to do. After consulting with my family and praying to Otr -- the Norse Otter God -- for guidance, I have decided to accept the nomination of the Brunching Party. Already, my campaign has encountered criticism. There are those who say I am unelectable. They point out that the U.S. Constitution specifically forbids those under the age of 35 from holding the Office of the President. To them I say this: an unelectable candidate is an unimpeachable candidate. By remaining unelectable, I can guarantee that I will never sully the Presidency with arousing tales of my steaming virility. The American people want a reformer. The American people want an outsider. I ask you: who is more of an outsider than someone legally unable to accept the position to which he has been elected? My unelectability will guarantee that my campaign will not be funded by soft money, that my campaign will not be funded by special interest money -- hell, I'll be lucky to unload the bumper stickers we're having made. We have a tough campaign ahead of us, made tougher by the fact that I plan to spend most of it playing "Hot Shots Golf 2" on the Playstation. But I shall persevere, knowing that I have the support of my loved ones, the mandate of the people, and most importantly, the inability to hold office. The platform of the Brunching Party will be determined in the near future by means of an interactive Web toy. Until then, thank you and drink up. |
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