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It wasn't until three years after the lightbulb was invented that someone whose name is lost to the ages first discovered that most people can only change lightbulbs in a humorous manner. Whether enlisting two friends to help turn the chair or joining in with 99 of their kind to say "I could have done it better," hapless seekers of illumination have delighted and exasperated us all. Humor scientists, however, have long suspected that, contrary to first impressions, not everybody has an offbeat manner of getting the old bulb out and the new bulb in. This idea is usually expressed by Youngman's Theorem: "There exists X such that the answer to the question 'How many members of the group X does it take to change a lightbulb' is 'One, but the member in question may need to stand or a chair or something.'" It was only recently that intense computer calculations using the power of three Amiga 500s running in parallel were able to mathematically prove this theorem, and present a partial list of persons who change light bulbs in the ordinary way and without assistance. It is in service to the world of theoretical humor that we present the following Lightbulb Non-jokes. How many people named Enrique does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he may need to stand on a chair or something. How many people who really enjoy bright orange cheese-flavored crackers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he or she may need to stand on a chair or something. How many nominees for an Ignatz award in the Promising New Talent category does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he or she may need to stand on a chair or something. How many people who have at some point in their life owned a piece of indoor exercise equipment does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he or she may need to stand on a chair or something. How many people who have spent a night in Hugo, Oklahoma en route to visiting nearby Fort Towson does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he or she may need to stand on a chair or something. How many professional interior light fixture installers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he or she may need to stand on a chair or something. How many Austrian women's prison wardens does it take to change a light bulb? One, but she may need to stand on a chair or something. (This one surprised us, too.) |
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