The Law Rating System
In a little over two years, there's going to be a presidential election,
and we'll be forced to trot out the obligatory spoof campaign
("Sjöberg/Neilsen 2000: They're Not 35, But We Won't Tell If You Don't").
So we figured we'd better start ramping up our platform now if
we don't want to be steamrollered by the powerful
"Scary/Baby 2000" campaign engine. ("They're Not
Americans, But We Won't Tell If You Don't")
So here's our first proposal, which will be upgraded to "demand"
if the polls warrant. We want warning labels on our laws. Congress
churns out gobs of laws every year, only a handful of which end up
actually being something we have to pay attention to. In the interest
of freeing up time to play America's National Sport, Foosball (That's
our other proposal), we want congress to add a simple rating to
every law they pass to let us know if we actually have to pay attention.
||Real laws. Police will, in nearly all cases, make some attempt to track down and punish the perpetrator.
||Murder, grand theft auto, arson
||On-demand laws. Laws where the perpetrator will be punished if supplied to the police by the victim, but where little or no effort will be made to catch the perpetrator otherwise.
||Shoplifting, light mugging
||Sporadically-enforced. Laws that you aren't seriously expected to follow, but which will be enforced if you get noticed by a bored police officer.
||Speeding, jaywalking, underage drinking
||Undesirables-only. Laws which are primarily enforced against those considered to be troublemakers -- the homeless, scruffy-looking youths, minorities in wealthy suburbs -- and which can be ignored by rich white people over 30.
||Loitering, curfews, various panhandling laws
||Grandstanding. Laws which are blatantly unconstitutional, but which get passed anyway so the sponsoring politician can use it as an occassion for political rhetoric.
||Flag-burning, the CDA, most Colorado initiatives pertaining to homosexuals
These are our values. Unless people don't want them to be. But I'm
pretty set on the foosball thing.