The Pompatus of Love Personality Test | The Brunching Shuttlecocks

by Lore Sjöberg

Enough with the Enneagrams, the Kinsey Temperament Sorter, and that game where you give three adjectives to describe your favorite animal and body of water. When it comes to personality types, you know Steve Miller's the one who knows just exactly what the facts is, whatever that means.

The following quiz will tell you everything about yourself that you need to know. To wit: are you a Smoker, a Joker, or a Midnight Toker?

1) The worst thing about living in California is:

You can't light up in bars anymore.
They're cracking down on medical marijuana distribution centers.
Batman's not there to taunt with your maniacal crimes.

2) The most unpleasant day of your life was when:

You tried to go cold turkey.
You spent six hours trying to get high off sage.
You were plunged into a vat of industrial chemicals, causing your skin and face to be hideously deformed and your mind to snap like a dried sparrow femur.

3) Every day you thank God for:

Filters
24-hour convenience stores
Poison gas

4) Every once in a while you like to get away from it all and hang out:

Behind the building where you work
In Amsterdam
In Arkham Asylum

5) When watching Bond movies, you think:

"Now that's a snazzy cigarette case."
"I am so high."
"Where does he get those wonderful toys?"

6) When your mom is about to come into your room you:

Wave away the smoke and hide the ashtrays.
Wave away the smoke and hide the bong.
Unleash the deadly hyenas.