Note from the Editor: Well, folks. it's time for our
millennial "Best of
Hell" issue, where you tell us what you like best about suffering in agony
for all eternity. Over 700 million of the damned sent in their responses,
making this the best turnout ever! So I just want to say thanks, and remind
you that you're all puny worms who deserve worse than even the most
horrific tortures we provide.
Best Place to Bring a Date
None of the damned are allowed even a moment's respite from pain and grief,
but somehow even blood-curdling agony seems romantic at Prometheus Point,
overlooking the Stygian plains, whether you're having your liver devoured
for the first or the four-hundred-thousandth time.
Best Movie Theater
Showing everything from "Cops and Robbersons" to a Mel Brooks retrospective
(post-1980 only), the cramped seats and sticky floors of the Venial Cinema
were voted best. In praising this establishment, respondents cited air
conditioning that occasionally works, and dried maggot snacks that
"taste pretty okay in butter." We'll be fixing both of these in
the future to provide a more miserable movie-going experience.
When it comes to the three G's -- gouging, gutting, and gloating -- Hastur
takes home the prize with the sort of tortures that keep adulterers and
usurers alike begging for less. Way to go, Hastur!
Best Place for a Haircut
Easy Marie's All-Nite Guillotine was voted head and shoulders above
the rest. (Pun intended. This is Hell.) While she may trim it a bit
closer than you like, Marie definitely knows infernal fashion like
Best Coffee Shop
Starbucks. Of course it's Starbucks! All the coffee shops are
Starbucks! BWA HA HA HA!
Best Happy Hour
The term "Happy Hour" is of course bitterly ironic at T.G.I.Hades,
where a buffet of pain and suffering awaits you and the putrid,
odious well drinks are a dollar off three hours every thirteen
years, but the damned voted it their favorite nonetheless. Why?
Because Asmogorgog, the proprietor, bullied his clientele into
stuffing the ballot box. That's the sort of demonic inventiveness
he admire in Hell.
While perennial favorite "Everyone does it" is still going strong, and
enough people are saying "l meant well" to upgrade the road to Hell to a
sixteen-lane superhighway, the big winner was "I was just doing my job."
Beats unemployment, eh?