by Lore Sjöberg

Note from the Editor: Well, folks. it's time for our millennial "Best of Hell" issue, where you tell us what you like best about suffering in agony for all eternity. Over 700 million of the damned sent in their responses, making this the best turnout ever! So I just want to say thanks, and remind you that you're all puny worms who deserve worse than even the most horrific tortures we provide.

Best Place to Bring a Date
None of the damned are allowed even a moment's respite from pain and grief, but somehow even blood-curdling agony seems romantic at Prometheus Point, overlooking the Stygian plains, whether you're having your liver devoured for the first or the four-hundred-thousandth time.

Best Movie Theater
Showing everything from "Cops and Robbersons" to a Mel Brooks retrospective (post-1980 only), the cramped seats and sticky floors of the Venial Cinema were voted best. In praising this establishment, respondents cited air conditioning that occasionally works, and dried maggot snacks that "taste pretty okay in butter." We'll be fixing both of these in the future to provide a more miserable movie-going experience.

Best Demon
When it comes to the three G's -- gouging, gutting, and gloating -- Hastur takes home the prize with the sort of tortures that keep adulterers and usurers alike begging for less. Way to go, Hastur!

Best Place for a Haircut
Easy Marie's All-Nite Guillotine was voted head and shoulders above the rest. (Pun intended. This is Hell.) While she may trim it a bit closer than you like, Marie definitely knows infernal fashion like nobody's business.

Best Coffee Shop
Starbucks. Of course it's Starbucks! All the coffee shops are Starbucks! BWA HA HA HA!

Best Happy Hour
The term "Happy Hour" is of course bitterly ironic at T.G.I.Hades, where a buffet of pain and suffering awaits you and the putrid, odious well drinks are a dollar off three hours every thirteen years, but the damned voted it their favorite nonetheless. Why? Because Asmogorgog, the proprietor, bullied his clientele into stuffing the ballot box. That's the sort of demonic inventiveness he admire in Hell.

Best Excuse
While perennial favorite "Everyone does it" is still going strong, and enough people are saying "l meant well" to upgrade the road to Hell to a sixteen-lane superhighway, the big winner was "I was just doing my job." Beats unemployment, eh?