Remove Grass Stains from Jeans
Rub the stain with a little baking soda, then sit
down with the jeans and explain how you feel about grass stains. Try to make
"I" statements, such as "I don't like the grass stains you have" rather than
"You're too stained."
Clean Blood From a Birthday Cake
For a merely blood-spattered birthday cake you can often cover the
spots with frosting roses. For a truly blood-soaked cake, you may
have to simply serve it and say "It's a blood-soaked birthday cake.
What did you expect?"
Freshen a Garbage Disposal
The easiest method for cleaning a garbage disposal is to attach
a license plate and "Skateboarding is Not a Crime" bumper sticker
to it and tell the guy at the car wash that it's actually an '83
Nissan Maxima. After this it should be sealed in an airtight but
transparent container and placed on a tasteful marble pedestal
for your guests to admire.
Remove Unsightly Pants
The key to successful pants removal is to first make sure that the
person affected has removed his or her shoes. After this,
it's a relatively simple matter to unbutton and/or unzip them, and then
carefully slide them over the hips and legs. In extremely stubborn cases,
shallow flattery may be employed to assist in pants removal.
Keep Computers From Taking Over The World
First, take note of the year. Before 1974, you must confront the computer
with a paradox such as "I'm lying right now" or ask it to compose a love poem.
Between 1974 and 1987, you should guess the ridiculously obvious backdoor
password. After 1987 you should upload a virus to it using your Apple
Remove Original Sin
The stain of the sin of Adam on the soul of every
mortal can be removed with a mixture of baking soda and dishwashing
liquid, first testing it on an inobtrusive section of your immortal
spirit to make sure that it will not harm it. Your soul should then be
air-dried and sprinkled with rug deodorizer.
Get Rid of Cockroaches and Rats
Given that an atomic bomb will leave only the rats and cockroaches alive,
it stands to reason that an atomic bomb from the Opposite Dimension
will kill only the rats and roaches, leaving everything else intact.
Travel to the Opposite Dimension and join one of the many student groups
dedicated to total nuclear armament. When a sit-in at the Student Center
immediately forces the federal government to give in to your demands,
take your own personal atomic bomb back to our dimension and detonate it.
Remove Stains from Baking Soda
Shut up. Just shut up.