BEAUTIFUL VIEW from nearby tree. 3BR, 1-1/4BA, wood stove, brass television, cotton bathtub. Huge lot, relatively little swamp. Neighbors all quiet, friendly cultists. $245,000.

WEAK AND FEEBLE OWNERS. Great home for right serial killer. Soundproof basement, plenty of crawlspace. Large freezer perfect for "collections." 2BR, 2BA, 25-life.

RANCH-STYLE HOME. Creamy, delicious bungalow goes great with carrot sticks, radishes, potato chips. Also available in fat-free. Quiet, refrigerated neighborhood. $187,000.

QUIET AREA. No neighbors. Converted underground Nevada research base great for oxygen- or ammonia-breathing lifeforms. 4BR, 3BA, 2-1/2QX. Perfect for home, business, collective hive-mind. $4 billion.

WHY RENT? Because you can't afford this lovely, secluded, 3BR 2BA home on 2 acres with in-ground pool. Face it, you're a wage slave and your only chance to see the inside of this home is if the owner's kid takes pity on yours and invites him to a birthday party. Price: more money than you'll ever see in your life.

CUSTOM HOME shaped like Tethys, Greek demi-goddess of the sea. Walls of aged Monterey jack cheese, giant duck sculpture on the lawn, "We are the dreamers of dreams" stamped in silver filgaree on the living room ceiling. $2,000,000. Look, you try selling this thing. Thirty years selling dumps to morons, and all I have to show for it is an enlarged prostate, three failed marriages, and a business partner who keeps hitting on my daughter. Bastard! He'll pay. They'll all pay! I've got a one-bedroom satin-lined coffin with your name on it, Henderson!