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whatever whatever LIST This function returns one of the nine neo-boolean values used in fuzzy logic: true, false, maybe, sure, what, whoa, depends, look-let's-talk-about-this-later-when-we're-not-in-public, and elbows. The value returned is determined by standard anti-random vacillation routines. reconsider reconsider EXPR This causes the program to evaluate an expression until such time as it feels reasonably sure of its conclusion. Depending on the system and expression, this may take a fraction of a second or an entire freshman semester. while holdon while (EXPR) BLOCK holdon (EXPR) BLOCK This works like a standard while loop at first, but at some point the function realizes it's been bringing personal issues into the evaluation in an inappropriate manner and begins to evaluate the expression named by holdon instead in an attempt to appear reasonable. goaway goaway LABEL This causes the program to execute starting at LABEL, while making it clear to the program that you could care less whether it ever returned to the present execution point or not. Calling the apology function later may cause the program to return to the statement directly after the goaway, but it may also cause the program to exit entirely, depending on how much you've been taking it for granted. Use of this function has been generally deprecated since the publication of the landmark essay "'GOAWAY' Considered Thoughtless." pile pile LIST This function takes a LIST and sorts it until the function realizes there are too many items in the "miscellaneous" category and tries to figure out a better sorting scheme, then gets bored and leaves a big pile of unsorted items at the end. Returns a semi-sorted list with a big pile of unsorted items at the end. grudge grudge VARIABLE The grudge function causes a program to develop an immediate dislike of the named variable, causing many operations involving that variable to return false for no apparent reason. pedestal pedestal VARIABLE This causes the program to attach unhealthy significance to VARIABLE. The program will consider the named variable to be a microcosm of its own existence and will fall into a deep depression if the variable is undefined, ignored, or treated poorly. Both grudge and pedestal can be used on the same variable, causing the program to develop a love-hate relationship with the variable in question. This can be fun. skim skim FILEHANDLE This function quickly looks over the data contained in FILEHANDLE, trying to get the gist of it and looking for any dirty bits or clever quotations it can use at parties to impress people. oblique oblique PLAINTEXT, WIT The oblique function uses a form of lossy encryption to convert PLAINTEXT into a witty-but-obscure cultural or social reference which will only make sense to people or processes that share a similar background with the calling program. WIT is a number between 0 and 7 which determines the cleverness and obscurity of the reference, where 0 will return a catchphrase from a recent television advertisement and 7 will return a reference to The Consolation of Philosophy by Boethius. With careful application, this function can be used to create entire online humor magazines. |
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