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July 1997 --Supreme Court strikes down the Communications Decency Act under the "Bodacious Hooters" clause of the Constitution. August 1997 -- Netscape introduces revolutionary "streaming handjob" technology. All twelve Junior High School boys not already on the Web join up. October 1997 -- The new Merriam-Webster Standard Edition dictionary includes the following definition for "cyber-": "It doesn't seem to mean anything, really. People put it in front of words, but we can't for the life of us figure out why." September 1997 -- Microsoft includes Internet Explorer with Windows 97, declares the Internet an extension of Windows, and starts to collect royalties. January 1998 -- Cure for cancer found when researchers search on Alta Vista for "+cure.for.cancer." August 1998 -- Netscape announces that it will no longer allow people to download and use its browser for free. Market share drops 80% in two minutes. December 1998 -- All U.S. elementary schools are hooked up to the net. America's schoolchildren can finally enjoy the benefits of being able to call up week-old "Dilbert" cartoons. February 1999 -- Aliens invade. A wily computer hacker defeats them by infecting their computers with a virus that prevents them from using "smileys" and other emoticons, thus making it impossible for them to communicate effectively via e-mail. April 1999 -- Bill Gates is discovered feasting on the flesh of interns. Cannibalism is declared an industry standard. Apple attempts to gain market share by releasing an easy-to-use ritual sacrifice interface, but fails. June 1999 -- Ed Begley, Jr. receives a special entertainment award for being the only remaining member of the Screen Actor's Guild not to have a fan page on the Web. October 1999 -- The consulting firm of Heinrich & Platt reveals the only known method of making a profit on the Web: "You tell them it's a porn site, and when they pay to get in--no porn, sucker!" January 2000 -- Jesus descends from Heaven and does battle with Satan. The righteous rise to eternal glory and the wicked are cast into the pit of fire. Bob Gilmond of West Piltdown, OH publishes "Bob's Page of Cool Rapture Links." |
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