The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

In our time on the Web, The Brunching Shuttlecocks has upheld rigorous standards of accuracy in our articles. No fact gets published in this space without, at the very least, checking it out in the appropriate volume of "Charlie Brown's 'Cyclopedia."

In spite of these precautions, the media watchdog FAIR ("Fairness and Accuracy in Reporting") has come forward recently claiming that our site "fabricates so-called 'facts' and distorts reality in a conscious and amoral attempt to get cheap laughs." This is of course nonsense, as our readers well know. A look at the following list of FAIR claims and our responses should refute their claims and establish our integrity beyond all doubt.

Article: "Emma Peel and I Just Got Home," June 1998
Original Quote: "The improved vocals on Madonna's latest album are due to the fact that all singing is done by twelve-year-old girls in Thailand who are paid eight cents an hour and beaten with a signed copy of Sex if they miss a note."
FAIR's Response: "The only Thai citizens in Madonna's employ are two seventeen-year-old boys listed as 'personal trainers.' The new vocals are a result of Madonna having taken singing lessons."
Our Reply: I think most reasonable human beings would find it difficult to imagine Madonna taking direction from an armed terrorist, much less a music teacher. Our scenario is much more plausible and backed up by a solid lack of reliable evidence to the contrary.
Article: "Rennaissance Failure," April 1998
Original Quote: "Ren Faire workers are responsible for most of the world's consumption of forest green bodices, cheap pewter tankards with plastic bottoms, and experimental birth control."
FAIR's Response: "55% of pewter tankards are bought by community colleges for summer productions of Camelot. Most bodices are bought by one Lorraine Planter of San Francisco, California. The data on birth control was not available from the AMA."
Our Reply: The references were, obviously enough, to purchases within the county in which the Renaissance Faire takes place. This is a deliberate attempt by FAIR to misrepresent my statements.
Article: "Why Pop-Up Ads Suck," February 1998
Original Quote: "Even street-corner prostitutes refuse to put their Web pages on Geocities."
FAIR's Response: "Geocities has more pages by freelance hookers than any other service provider."
Our Reply: Notice I did not say "all street-corner prostitutes." Many prostitutes prefer local providers.
Article: "The McLachlan Group," August 1997
Original Quote: "The Lilith Fair was named after Adam's first wife, who is said to have spent her short stay in the Garden of Eden inventing the acoustic guitar and writing songs about her orgasms."
FAIR's Response: "The acoustic guitar was invented in 8th century Spain."
Our Reply: You have your religious tradition, I have mine.
Article: "alt.humor.recycled," June 1997
Original Quote: "The ungulates populating alt.comedy.standup prove that humor-related newsgroups are the online equivalent of glory holes: people go there to suck anonymously."
FAIR's Response: "An ungulate is a hoofed mammal. We suspect Mr. Sjöberg meant 'imbeciles.'"
Our Reply: Whatever.
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