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Fire, Work With Me

As most of you are aware, congress has recently passed as law to allow copyright to be applied to individual works of fire, both in terms of actual fires and in terms of manufactured oxidation potential like matches and lighters.

I, for one, am glad to see justice finally served. I mean, think about it. You go through all the work to create a fire, and someone comes up to your fire and pokes a stick in it. They can then walk away, having stolen your fire, and use it for anything. Say they use it to light the ore smelter at a metals processing plant. They'd be making millions off of your fire without having to give you a DIME! Unauthorized fire transfer is exactly like walking into the original firestarter's home, stealing their VCR, TV, and all their tapes of "Earth 2," then sexually violating their household pets on the way out. It's exactly the same, and should be prosecuted as such.

There are a few drawbacks, of course. To begin with, you can't buy matches anymore; you'll license them. And of course most licenses will forbid you to give anyone else a light without first extinguishing anything you lit with the same book of matches. But isn't that worth it to protect the rights of the original firemakers?

Well, the employers of the original firemakers, actually. Most ignition is done on a "Fire for Hire" basis, meaning that the company that comissioned the firemaker gets the copyright. But still.

Now, the real problem is that of enforcement. Given all the fire out there, it's going to be nearly impossible for holders of fire copyright to track down the billions of dollars worth of pirated fire stolen every year. Lots of companies are working on developing fire that will only work with their proprietary ignition materials, but you and I both know that those ruthless fire pirates will find a way around any protections. Already they're starting to whine about how "conflagration wants to be free." Godless socialists.

The only answer, of course, is the force of law. That's why I encourage you all to write to your representatives, encouraging them to pass strict legislation outlawing the possession of any unlicensed flammable materials. The only way to stop the immoral hordes of fire pirates is to keep the tools of their brutal trade -- paper, wood, charcoal briquettes -- out of their hands. Only then can we insure a warm and well-lit future.

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