Videogame Console FAQK
What's this I hear about a console war?
This Christmas season, three huge companies are competing to convince you
to spend most or all of your waking hours on their machine pretending to
kill aliens, beat up irate people from around the world, and/or rescue
unidentifiable Japanese-designed friendly beings from unidentifiable
Japanese-designed evil beings.
How is this different from last year?
Last year some of the game consoles in the battle were as much as
five years old. In game console terms, that means that they were
the equivalent of unholy beings kept alive by unnatural forces and
dark incantations long after they should have passed from this earth.
The latest round of machines are much fresher and newer, which means
that the unholy powers can go into marketing instead.
How do the consoles differ from each other?
Unlike previous generations where the differences were simple
and easy to articulate, such as "Mortal Kombat on the Genesis gots
more blood," the differences among these machines involve pushing
polygons, bump mapping, and other phrases that sound like excerpts
from "Debbie Does Flatland." The actual effect this has on the screen
is subtle and often difficult to see, which is why each machine
is now bundled with a rabid fan of the system recruited from various
discussion boards around the Web. This fan will stand over your shoulder
and point out reasons your machine completely rocks over the competition.
They will also make disappointed noises and roll their eyes whenever
you fail to play the games at optimal efficiency, but that's the
price you pay for progress.
Which console should I buy?
That depends on which company you hate the least. Modern video game
purchases are motivated primarily by the desire to see some console
or another perish in a yawning rift that opens up beneath it, brimstone
and the wails of the damned reaching up as the console sinks into
a lake of fire, as happened with the Dreamcast.
So which companies should I hate?
Thanks to the wonders of capitalism, there should be a console to match
any of your prejudices and preconceptions. You should hate Nintendo if
you can't stand the idea of people wanting to play a game that doesn't
involve arterial spray, as Nintendo has been known to encourage people
under the age of fifteen to enjoy their games. You should hate Microsoft
if you believe that the company that controls the Crazy Taxi franchise
controls the world. You should hate Sony if you bought a Dreamcast.
Shouldn't I base my decision on the games available for each one?
Your naivete is charming.