The CIA Health Plan
by Lore Sjöberg

Well, Castro, El Hombre Con El Cigarro, El Red Grande*, has hit the big seven-one. He's officially an old, old dictator. The irony here is that the CIA has, over the last few decades, hatched enough plans to assassinate this guy to evoke a tax-funded Wile E. Coyote.

Is this coincidence? Or could it be that being hunted by the CIA is actually good for your health? Well, if you've tried fiber, oat bran, vegetarianism, Power Bars and Jazzercize, chances are you'll try anything. So, The Brunching Shuttlecocks ("Comedy With a 'Runch'") in collaboration with the Central Intelligence Agency ("Denying This Slogan Since 1947"), present:

The CIA Health Plan

$19.95/month - Surveillance For Your Health
The CIA will keep you under constant surveillance, with particular attention paid to your heart rate and apparent blood pressure. In forty years, when these documents are de-classified, you can obtain them under the Freedom of Information Act and use the data to formulate an exercise and diet plan.

$35.95/month - Insurrection: The Secret to Longevity
At this level, not only will the CIA monitor you as above, they will also wage a long-term plan to turn your friends and family against you. Eventually, with nobody around to invite you for a drink or to a fat-filled Thanksgiving dinner, your health will flourish.

$199.95/month - Extreme Prejudice For Life
This is the one you've been waiting for. For this reasonable price, the Central Intelligence Agency will devote an entire division to having you thrown from power, run out of the country by your neighbors, and/or killed. And, as experience shows, this will inevitably result in you having a long and prosperous life.

The CIA Health Plan: Because Your Health Shouldn't Be Foreign Intelligence.

*Yes, I know this is Spanish for "The Big Net." Work with me.