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"Key to the manifestation of the powers of the mutants was their puberty, as if we would expect anything else of modern entertainment. It couldn't be electric shock, a head injury, or birth on another planet like regular super heroes and super villains -- it had to be puberty." -- The CAPAlert Guy on X-Men Coming soon to a theater near you! The Switch-Hitter Squadron In the near future, certain gifted members of society discover that experimenting sexually with members of their own gender grants them incredible powers! They decide to identify as superheroes and face off against the Legion of Monosexuals, fighting for the future of the world's sexuality! Captain Blasphemy Young Bobby Pious meets a mysterious wizard who, after several beers, grants him amazing powers whenever he intones the magic words "Jesus Fucking Christ!" Soon he finds he must save the world from the dastardly clutches of The Bleeper, who seeks to make the entire world safe for family viewing! The Mighty Sac On an archeological trip to the ancient ruins of Newark, Doctor Donald Jewel discovers the magical Baseball Bat of Nehru! He learns that when smacked hilariously in the balls with this mystic artifact, he becomes The Mighty Sac, a pagan god with the power to control the genitalia of mortal men! The Incredible Drunk When teetotaller David Bruce is exposed to harmful Stoli Radiation, he finds that the slightest drop of alcohol turns him into The Incredible Drunk, who grows stronger as he grows more intoxicated! Accused of a clumsy pickup line he didn't commit, he wanders from town to town, sampling the local microbrew and helping those in need! The Crotchless League of America A group of normal men and women discover that wearing lacy undergarments doesn't actually give them powers, but it does make them feel all shivery and sexy! Unable to effectively fight crime, they instead take pictures of themselves from the neck down with digital cameras and share tips on cold-water washing! |
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