Movies That Will Piss Off The CAPAlert Guy
"Key to the manifestation of the powers of the mutants was their puberty,
as if we would expect anything else of modern entertainment. It couldn't
be electric shock, a head injury, or birth on another planet like
regular super heroes and super villains -- it had to be puberty."
-- The CAPAlert Guy on X-Men
Coming soon to a theater near you!
The Switch-Hitter Squadron
In the near future, certain gifted members of
society discover that experimenting sexually with members of their own
gender grants them incredible powers! They decide to identify as
superheroes and face off against the Legion of
Monosexuals, fighting for the future of the world's sexuality!
Young Bobby Pious meets a mysterious wizard who,
after several beers, grants him amazing powers whenever he intones the
magic words "Jesus Fucking Christ!" Soon he finds he must save the world
from the dastardly clutches of The Bleeper, who seeks to make the entire
world safe for family viewing!
The Mighty Sac
On an archeological trip to the ancient ruins of
Newark, Doctor Donald Jewel discovers the magical Baseball Bat of
Nehru! He learns that when smacked hilariously in the balls with this
mystic artifact, he becomes The Mighty Sac, a pagan god with the power
to control the genitalia of mortal men!
The Incredible Drunk
When teetotaller David Bruce is exposed to harmful
Stoli Radiation, he finds that the slightest drop of alcohol
turns him into The Incredible Drunk, who grows stronger as he grows
more intoxicated! Accused of a clumsy pickup line he didn't commit,
he wanders from town to town, sampling the local microbrew and helping
those in need!
The Crotchless League of America
A group of normal men and women discover that wearing
lacy undergarments doesn't actually give them powers, but it does make
them feel all shivery and sexy! Unable to effectively fight crime, they
instead take pictures of themselves from the neck down with
digital cameras and share tips on cold-water washing!