The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Every day, throughout the English-speaking world, a tragedy is repeated millions of times. A child happily pages through an animal alphabet book, only to discover to his or her horror that the letter X is represented, not by a lovable member of the animal kingdom, but by a cold, sterile x-ray, xylophone, or worse.

We at the Society for Animal X are working to change that. We have hundreds of lobbyists speaking to lawmakers, scientists, and children's book authors, working tirelessly to persuade them to end this suffering. We will not rest until one or more animals have names starting with X.

Contrary to what our critics would have you believe, we do not wish to change the names of all animals, nor do we want to change the names of familiar housepets. You need not fear a future filled with Xogs, Xats and Xoldfish. Instead, we wish only to change the name of a less popular animal, such as the aye-aye or aardwolf. At a recent meeting we had a strong contingent arguing that "Thomson's Gazelle" was obviously a poor name, and why doesn't this Thomson guy just get over himself? Perhaps one day soon we can all enjoy watching the graceful bounds of the Xaxelle.

Our organization is growing daily. In the last six months alone, we have recruited Lucy Lawless to be our honorary spokeswoman, and we have entered into an alliance with the Comittee to Come Up With Something That Rhymes With Month in hopes of getting the name of the spiny anteater changed to the "Xunth."

Now is the time to act, but we can't to it without your help. Give generously, and perhaps we can look forward to the day when the Xallian Xabberdat can nestle peacefully between a walrus and a yak.

More by Lore Sjöberg Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage