You've Got Mail is the most unrealistic movie ever made.
(Warning: Spoilers ahead. I am going to give a lot away in this review
about the new movie, You've Got Mail. As if anything in this film could
catch you by surprise. I mean come on, it's Sleepless in Seattle 2:
Sleepless in Cyberspace. What, you think maybe they'll end up
together? You think? You think?)
If a pair of over-40's met and fell in love over AOL, they would NOT
look like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Instead, they would probably look
more like Crispen Glover and Johnny Depp's mother from What's Eating
When a man has been helping a woman with relationship advice for a
relationship with a nameless entity who turns out to be himself, the
woman, upon finally learning that it was really him all along, is not
thankful. She's pissed off at how he played her like a fool for so
long. I mean, what a dick!
No one eagerly asks a person all about upcoming love prospects two
minutes after ending a lengthy relationship with them.
"I think we should break up."
"Cool. So, you seeing anyone?"
AOL is NOT the Internet. They met over the "Internet." Everyone is
talking about how great the "Internet" is. I'm sorry, folks, but they
never actually make it to the Internet, they're forever bogged down in
AOL land. Deal with it.
When one man forces you to close your store for good - the store you
have opened and operated all your life, the store you inherited from
your mother, who started it years ago, the store which has been your
family's identity for as long as you've been alive -- you do not fall in
love with him. Usually, you take him to court.
It does not take a "feeling" to know when someone is online on AOL. It
takes a Buddy List.
You can not exist on AOL for an extended period of time and only receive
mail from one person, ever. As anyone with an account over a week old
knows, your mailbox will very soon be filled with countless Free
Investment Opportunities and numerous invites to "Bunny's Special Web
Page" for the best XXX .jpgs around.
So is the movie any good? It's everything you could possibly expect.
You know what's going to happen. If you think watching Meg and Tom go
through the motions will be fun for you, then by all means, go to it.
There's really not much else to this film. All the secondary characters
are inconsequential and do very little. This is Meg and Tom's flick,
and don't you ever forget it.
Except they're starting to look old. Tom's got a fat neck. Meg isn't
quite as perky as she used to be. Sad how the mighty have fallen.
For all the wonder about "Will they get the Internet right? Will
Hollywood finally get the Internet right?" they actually do a pretty
good job. Except it's AOL, not the Internet. But other than never
having any problems connecting, they get AOL down cold.
I'm giving You've Got Mail 2 3/4 Babylons. Average, middle of the
road. The simple fact that Tom Hanks is so darn watchable is the only
true redeeming feature in this color-by-numbers story. Personally, go
rent Sleepless in Seattle again. Or better yet, rent Joe Vs. the
Volcano, which is really one of the greatest Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan films
The Self-Made Critic, an Internet Movie-Review Critic, knows as much
about the Internet as a thimble full of glue. You should have seen this
review before I got a hold of it. Idiot.
WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!
Yes, we have our 1,000th subscriber to the Self-Made Mailing List! (We
actually had him a couple of weeks ago, but didn't want to tell anyone
because you were all signing up so fervently. Sorry.)
His name is Woodson Savage, and he found our glorious site all on his
lonesome, which means we only have to shell out 1 T-shirt. We welcome
Woodson (his real name, or so he says) and all of you to our little
family. And if you didn't win, and unless your name is Woodson Savage,
you didn't, fret not. We will continue to give away T-shirts to those
of you on the mailing list at an alarming rate. In fact, who knows,
we're not all that far from 2,000 subscribers, so keep introducing your
friends and family to our wonderment. It WILL be worth your while.
You've Got Mail
Directed By: Nora Ephron
Starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and that guy that says "You've Got Mail"
over and over again on AOL. I'm just hoping he gets residuals.