I'd make a lousy mutant.
With super powers come super responsibilities, good or bad, and I just don't
think I'd be up to snuff. Basically, if you're a mutant, the only thing you
get to do is save the world or destroy the world, and I'm not sure I have the
ambition for either.
Leading me to this opinion is the new mutantrama, X-Men, a gem of a film
chock full of mutant goodness. Here's the idea:
Humankind is evolving. Some people are being born with some really
freaked-out powers. They're mutants. They don't get along well with normal
people. A group of bad mutants want to destroy the world, and a group of
good mutants want to stop them.
The various mutants all have different powers, from telepathy to laser eyes
to stretchy tongue, and they use them to determine the fate of humanity.
Heavy stuff. Me? I'd be lazy. Here's what I'd do if I were each of the
Magneto: Power - Can make metal do anything he wants. Use - Opening beer
bottles, I mean the non-twisty kind.
Jean Grey: Power - Telekinesis, the power to move objects with her mind. Use
- well, once I'd opened my bottle of beer, it'd be glass so the magnet
wouldn't work, so I'd need this power to bring me the beer. Also good for
getting the remote control without leaving my chair.
Storm: Power - Controls the weather. Use - Make sure I had the perfect
weather to get a really good tan.
Sabertooth: Power - I'm not really sure. He's a really big guy who can kick
a lot of ass. Use - I'd be a really big guy who kicks a lot of ass.
Mystique: Power - Shape Changing. Use - Are you kidding me? "Hello Nicole
Kidman, it's me, your husband Tom. Let's go to bed."
Cyclops: Power - Shoots a laser beam from his eyes. Use - Instant BBQ.
Wolverine: Power - Metal skeleton with huge knives that extend from his
knuckles. Use - Satay.
Professor X: Power - Telepathy. Use - I'd be the sharkiest poker shark in
Toad: Power - Can do anything he wants with his incredibly long tongue. Use
- You figure it out, ladies.
I guess it's a good thing my mutant-enhanced abilities are limited to the
ability to recite the lyrics to Young M.C.'s "Bust A Move" at rapid speeds.
So what about the movie? Oh yeah. Actually, it's really cool. It's a comic
book, and it doesn't suck. The characters are more than cardboard, the plot
is involving, the dialogue witty. Comic Book movies are hard to do, because
they're usually really silly (The Phantom, anyone?). X-Men, however, was done
up just right. Not too mainstream to annoy too many pimple-faced teenagers
(or too many thirty-year olds who used to be pimple-faced teenagers) and not
too wacky to lose the rest of us.
The effects are first class. It's always cool to see people walk through
walls, levitate cop cars or morph into naked blue chicks.
Speaking of naked blue chicks, let's talk about Mystique. She's a naked blue
chick who can shape change into anyone else. She's played by Supermodel
Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. At least she is when she's the naked blue chick.
Often enough, she's being someone else, and is played by that actor. Which
means that she ends up not actually saying very much. In fact, Rebecca has
one line. Which means the producers have found the perfect use for a
supermodel! Get her naked, paint her blue and shut her up! Brilliant!
I'm giving X-Men 4 1/5 specially mutated Babylons. They're like regular
Babylons, except they could turn against you and kill.
The Editor: Power - Perfect grammar. Use - I'd seduce that hottie Miss
Manners and fill the world with mini-editors.
Directed By: Bryan Singer
Starring: Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Gandalf, Duncan Jones, Xenia Onatopp,
Derrick Webb, Sharon Stone, Queen Isabel II, Big Sky, Darth Maul, Reverend
Parris and Supermodel Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.
What, you'd thought I'd use their real names? They're superheroes! They
always go by their aliases!