The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features


I'd make a lousy mutant.

With super powers come super responsibilities, good or bad, and I just don't think I'd be up to snuff. Basically, if you're a mutant, the only thing you get to do is save the world or destroy the world, and I'm not sure I have the ambition for either.

Leading me to this opinion is the new mutantrama, X-Men, a gem of a film chock full of mutant goodness. Here's the idea:

Humankind is evolving. Some people are being born with some really freaked-out powers. They're mutants. They don't get along well with normal people. A group of bad mutants want to destroy the world, and a group of good mutants want to stop them.

The various mutants all have different powers, from telepathy to laser eyes to stretchy tongue, and they use them to determine the fate of humanity. Heavy stuff. Me? I'd be lazy. Here's what I'd do if I were each of the featured mutants:

Magneto: Power - Can make metal do anything he wants. Use - Opening beer bottles, I mean the non-twisty kind.

Jean Grey: Power - Telekinesis, the power to move objects with her mind. Use - well, once I'd opened my bottle of beer, it'd be glass so the magnet wouldn't work, so I'd need this power to bring me the beer. Also good for getting the remote control without leaving my chair.

Storm: Power - Controls the weather. Use - Make sure I had the perfect weather to get a really good tan.

Sabertooth: Power - I'm not really sure. He's a really big guy who can kick a lot of ass. Use - I'd be a really big guy who kicks a lot of ass.

Mystique: Power - Shape Changing. Use - Are you kidding me? "Hello Nicole Kidman, it's me, your husband Tom. Let's go to bed."

Cyclops: Power - Shoots a laser beam from his eyes. Use - Instant BBQ.

Wolverine: Power - Metal skeleton with huge knives that extend from his knuckles. Use - Satay.

Professor X: Power - Telepathy. Use - I'd be the sharkiest poker shark in Vegas.

Toad: Power - Can do anything he wants with his incredibly long tongue. Use - You figure it out, ladies.

I guess it's a good thing my mutant-enhanced abilities are limited to the ability to recite the lyrics to Young M.C.'s "Bust A Move" at rapid speeds. It's uncanny.

So what about the movie? Oh yeah. Actually, it's really cool. It's a comic book, and it doesn't suck. The characters are more than cardboard, the plot is involving, the dialogue witty. Comic Book movies are hard to do, because they're usually really silly (The Phantom, anyone?). X-Men, however, was done up just right. Not too mainstream to annoy too many pimple-faced teenagers (or too many thirty-year olds who used to be pimple-faced teenagers) and not too wacky to lose the rest of us.

The effects are first class. It's always cool to see people walk through walls, levitate cop cars or morph into naked blue chicks.

Speaking of naked blue chicks, let's talk about Mystique. She's a naked blue chick who can shape change into anyone else. She's played by Supermodel Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. At least she is when she's the naked blue chick. Often enough, she's being someone else, and is played by that actor. Which means that she ends up not actually saying very much. In fact, Rebecca has one line. Which means the producers have found the perfect use for a supermodel! Get her naked, paint her blue and shut her up! Brilliant!

I'm giving X-Men 4 1/5 specially mutated Babylons. They're like regular Babylons, except they could turn against you and kill.

Editor's Note:

The Editor: Power - Perfect grammar. Use - I'd seduce that hottie Miss Manners and fill the world with mini-editors.

Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Bryan Singer
Starring: Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Gandalf, Duncan Jones, Xenia Onatopp, Derrick Webb, Sharon Stone, Queen Isabel II, Big Sky, Darth Maul, Reverend Parris and Supermodel Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.

What, you'd thought I'd use their real names? They're superheroes! They always go by their aliases!

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