The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

I am a movie critic. As such, it is my job to see a large number of films. I do this with full knowledge that I often will be subjecting myself to horror unimaginable, for example, Godzilla. Still, I can't see every movie, much as I may wish. All told, in 1998, I saw approximately 50 movies. Hollywood made a lot more. Here then, is a list, in no particular order, of the worst films that I did NOT see.

Steven King's Night Flyer--Do you even remember this? Have you ever heard of it? I remember a time when everything with Steven King's name on it was guaranteed at least a minimal profit. Movies like The Shining, Carrie, Pet Cemetery and Misery left us scared out of our gourds. But then they found that they'd made all of his good books, and started making The Mangler, Thinner and a bunch of Made-For-TV movies. I ask you, how good can a horror story be if it's rated TV-M?

Firestorm--Someone, somewhere, got really drunk and said "You know who'd make a great action hero? Fox football analyst Howie Long!" He was wrong. What's next? Bob Costas and Frank Gifford in a remake of Chekov's The Cherry Orchard?

Almost Heroes--The really sad thing about this is that it became Chris Farley's final movie, so everyone is sad that he ended on such a bad note. What they don't realize is that he never really was all that funny to begin with. I'm sorry, I know the guy's dead and all, but the one-joke act of Fat Guy Screaming got old real quick. The only difference in this film was that instead of screaming at David Spade, he's screaming at Matthew Perry. Yeah, that's a step up.

Dirty Work--So Norm Macdonald got canned from Weekend Update on Saturday Night Live. Big deal, his revenge was his mega-hit comedy, Dirty Work. Or at least that was the plan; unfortunately, the movie sucked. Guest appearances from Don Rickles as the bitter old man, Chevy Chase as the tall guy, Chris Farley as the screaming fat man, Gary Coleman as a small, black hallucination and Adam Sandler as Satan couldn't save it from the trash heap.

Meet Joe Black--I know a lot of you may be surprised to see this one on my list, mainly because it means I didn't see it. But come on, three ours of Brad Pitt? No thank you. I saw him try to act in Seven Years in Tibet, and was in therapy for a week! According to my sources, his experience making this film was one of the key reasons Anthony Hopkins decided to leave acting. I don't blame him.

Ringmaster--I really don't have much to say about this. Jerry Springer stars in a story about a talk show host with a show where people beat each other up. And it's fiction. No really, the movie is fiction. Yeah, I don't get it either.

Soldier--This may possibly be the worst film of 1998 that I did NOT see. I mean even the preview was painful, and the preview is supposed to be the best bits of the film packed into 2 1/2 minutes. Kurt Russell is a robot warrior who helps a rag-tag team of castoffs win their freedom. Think The Road Warrior meets Ed Wood.

Jack Frost--While we're on the subject of bad ideas gone even worse, let's not forget the Michael Keaton-as-snowman vehicle, Jack Frost. On second thought, let's just forget about it and be on our way.

Woo--Jada Pinkett Smith gets her own movie. She starts as, oh heck, I don't know, some chick who's named Woo. Lame, lame, lame, lame, lame. At least she had the good sense to marry Will Smith, although what he sees in her I have no idea.

Air Bud: Golden Receiver--What do you do when you make a movie about a dog that plays basketball and it actually turns a profit? Give the dog a new sport. I'm sure somewhere, there are loads of kids who just love the Air Bud films. Kids who scream and scream for Air Bud merchandise. Kids who line up outside Pet Smart for a chance to meet Air Bud. Me? I want him fixed.

I'll Be Home For Christmas--Starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas, it should have been called I'll Be Leaving Home Improvement For Christmas. He told Tim Allen he was leaving to go to school, he went and made a movie instead. What, he expected Tim to never notice? He thought he'd just come back in a year and Tim would say "How was school John?" He nearly got his wish, as the film was in the theaters for all of about 25 minutes.

The 2nd Half of How Stella Grooved Her Shaky Thang--The first half of that movie was awful, so I expect the second half was even worse. The only way it could possibly have been better would have been to combine it with Deep Impact and have everyone on the island wiped out by a tidal wave. Now THAT'd be cool.

There ya go, my list of the worst films of 1998 that I did NOT see. I'm sure each of these films has die-hard fans out there who are in a tizzy over my remarks. If you are one of them, all I can say is, get help. These movies were bad. If the YOUR least favorite movie is not on this list, it may well be because I saw it, so check the archives to see what I thought about it.

That'll do Pig, that'll do.

Boris' Note:

Editor not want to waste time on this list, so Boris get big chance to say witty thing about loser critic.

He big idiot. Someday, his empire will fall and I will be standing over him with big plunger.

OK, must go clean Self-Made Spa now. Solidarity, my brothers.

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