Happy Holidays my faithful movie-going public!
OK, I'm a little early, but we're finally in November and that means one
thing and one thing only... It's The Holiday Movie Season!!!
The Holiday Movie Season -- the final two months of the year -- typically
includes four types of movies.
A) Big budget action movies that weren't quite ready to go for the
B) Serious films that have no hope of making money unless they get
nominated for Academy Awards.
C) Family Films.
D) Stuff for the Teenagers.
So what's coming out this year? Read on, fellow traveler, and all shall
be made clear...
The Siege. Bad people start turning New York into Lebanon and Denzel
Washington and Annette Bening try to stop it. Then Bruce Willis shows
up and takes 7,000,000 people hostage and forces them all to watch
North. Or something like that. TYPE: A
The Waterboy. Adam Sandler is a socially inept boy who manages to
channel his pent-up rage by smashing football players silly on the
field. What, you want more? TYPE: D
Meet Joe Black. Three hours long. Brad Pitt. You decide. TYPE: B
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. More teen slashing staring
members of Party of 5. Which I think just goes to show that anyone who
is forced to grow up without parents is headed for some serious
trouble. Stars Jennifer Love Hewitt and some other people who probably
die. TYPE: D
Celebrity. Woody Allen submits his yearly therapy session. Has Leo
DiCaprio in it, so mindless, screaming thirteen year-old girls can get
introduced to the Wood Man's neuroses. TYPE: B
A Bug's Life. ANTZ part 2. The folks that brought you Toy Story hope
against hope that public wants to see another computer-animated movie
about insects. TYPE: C
Rugrats. The Nickelodeon cartoon series tries to cash in on the big
screen. Think of it as Beavis and Butthead for three year-olds. Come
to think of it... Beavis and Butthead IS for three year-olds. TYPE: C
Enemy of the State. Will Smith is the man. I don't need to know
anything else about the film. It's a Will Smith movie. Go see it.
Babe: Pig in the City. THE PIG IS BACK!!! I loved Babe. Babe rocked.
Now they've made a second talking pig film. I'm gonna be the first in
line. TYPE: C
Very Bad Things. A bunch of normal people accidentally kill a hooker in
a hotel during a bachelor party. It's a comedy. The word on it is that
it is sick, sick, sick. And darned funny. All in all, a great film to
open on Thanksgiving Weekend. Stars Cameron Diaz, Christian Slater,
Daniel Stern and Jon Favreau. TYPE: D
A Simple Plan. Bill Paxton and Billy Bob Thornton find 4.4 million in
cash in a downed plane. Things go downhill from there. Billy Bob wears
really big glasses and a silly wig. And as well all know, when he looks
silly, it's usually a good movie. TYPE: A
Psycho. Some high muck-a-muck decided that it'd be a good idea to
remake the Alfred Hitchcock classic. I guess he thought old Alfred
didn't quite get it right the first time. Puh-Lease. Still, it's got
Vince Vaughn in it. TYPE: A
Star Trek: Insurrection. Picard and company save a planet of hippie
people. What, you expected something good? Come on, it's an
odd-numbered Trek film. They always suck! TYPE: A
The Prince of Egypt. Dreamworks animations tells the story of some kid
named Moses who parts the Red Sea and talks to God. Based on some old
book, it's an animated adventure that isn't really a feel-good
happy-happy story. In putting this movie together, Dreamworks consulted
with over 350 scholars, theologians, archeologists, Egyptologists, and
Bible experts from all over the world. If this is a hit, I hear they're
planning on putting the book of Leviticus to music next. TYPE: C
You've Got Mail. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan fall in love over the
internet. Directed by the woman who directed Sleepless in Seattle.
Word is, they had to change the ending to give the film a happier
ending. No one liked the realistic ending that had Tom chasing Meg down
over the internet, and then brutally butchering her because he was a
socially mal-adjusted psycho who could only meet people online. TYPE: C
Jack Frost. Michael Keaton, realizing that people only like him in
movies when he's hiding behind a mask of some kind, plays a bad father
who dies and then comes back as Frosty the Snowman. Think of it as
Regarding Henry in a snow storm. TYPE: B
OK, get ready. Here we go-
Stepmom -- Julia Roberts, Susan Surandon. Cancer. TYPE: B
A Civil Action -- John Travolta. Trial lawyer. Based on a TRUE story,
not a Grisham story. TYPE: B
The Thin Red Line -- Saving Private Ryan part 2. Starring lots of people
who weren't actually alive during World War II. TYPE: B
Patch Adams - Robin Williams is a funny doctor who rubs the
establishment the wrong way. No, it's not an Awakenings remake. TYPE: B
Mighty Joe Young -- Large Gorilla runs amok in California. Bad sign #1 -
this film was supposed to be released about a year ago and it's been in
post production for quite a while... TYPE: A
The Faculty -- Students fight their teachers, who turn out to be Aliens.
Heck, isn't that always the case? TYPE: D
Hurlyburly -- A tale of irritating, drug-using, women-hating Hollywood
wannabes. It's got Christmas printed all over it. TYPE: B
There's some other smaller, unimportant films also being released X-mas
day, but they are small and unimportant.
There ya go! What are you gonna see? Mark your calendars for your
favorites! Let's all gather after the holidays and share our thoughts!
Please take The Critic's thoughts with a grain of salt. Remember, he
predicted that Godzilla would be good.