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Every year, the moviegoing public is educated by the Summer Blockbusters. Over the years, we've learned such important lessons: kitties can protect you from ancient curses, time is the fire in which we burn, and Kevin Costner looks really old when he's sopping wet. This year was no different. Aside from the obvious lessons such as "Don't make a Rocky and Bullwinkle movie" or "Let the damn Highlander series die," there were the smaller lessons. Here then is the summation of knowledge imparted to you this summer at your local multiplex. In order for chickens to fly, they must first do strenuous calisthenics. If someone loves you, they'll run you off the road. If they really love you, they'll do it in slow motion. Actors on stilts don't look like tall aliens, they look like actors on stilts. D.B. Sweeney sounds an awful lot like Michael J. Fox, and costs a lot less. British people are mean. Midgets have really large children. Eddie Murphy looks better in a fat suit than Martin Lawrence. The Boston accent is really hard to do, and when you get it wrong, you sound really stupid. Five slaves cost the same as two gay giraffes. Blue chicks are sexy. Ghosts play solitaire. Invisibility makes you irritable. Spirit Fingers are very important. Shaft is one bad mutha, in any decade. |
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