The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Wednesday, September 1st, was the last day of work for 22 of 68 Major League Baseball Umpires. In what will undoubtedly go down in history as one of the dumbest labor moves ever, The Baseball Umpire's Union declared in July that all Umpires would be resigning as of Sept. 2. The thought was that this mass-resignation would force Baseball to negotiate a better deal with the Umpires' Union, but when only 57 of the 68 actually turned in their written resignations, the solidarity was broken, and the ploy began to fail horribly. Eventually, all 57 resignations were rescinded, but it was too late. Baseball had accepted 22 of the 57 resignations.

And now one knew why those 22 resignations were accepted while 35 other umpires were allowed to return to work.

Until now.

Our inside sources have uncovered the Criteria used by Commissioner Bud Selig in deciding whose resignations were accepted, and whose weren't. It follows a simple "Three Strikes, You're Out!" ideology. Selig created the following list, and any umpire who fit three or more of the criteria was cut loose. Here now, for the first time, is that list.

Fatter than Cajun Chef Paul Prudhomme
Didn't cry during Bambi
Brought egg salad to Major League Baseball Potluck
Last name rhymes with "scallion"
Once made a questionable call against Selig's hometown Milwaukee Brewers
Can't hit a Randy Johnson fastball
When he bends over to wipe the plate clean, you can sometimes see some butt-crack
Wouldn't join Selig for a duet of "To All The Girls I've Loved Before" at the karaoke bar
Listens to that darned rock and roll
Just doesn't look good in blue
Turned down date with Selig's daughter
Can't say "Chuck Knoblauch" or "Pokey Reese" without cracking a smile.
Doesn't understand the Grand Unification Theory
Has ever called Selig "Four-Eyes"
Is legally blind
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