As everyone knows, the only good movies are ones with total babes in them.
You want to make a great movie? Put hot chicks in them. Babes, babes,
babes, babes, babes. Nothing makes a movie more watchable than pretty girls.
I have never understood why, but it is a documented fact that the only
babe-less films that are ever any good involve trapping a group of manly men
at the bottom of the ocean. Crimson Tide. The Hunt For Red October. Das
Boot. Operation Petticoat. The list goes on.
Well, OK, Petticoat had some chicks in it...
But the latest sub adventure doesn't. Not a one, nay nay nay. And it's
still a hum-dinger of a show.
U-571 is not only the latest underwater adventure; it's easily the best movie
in years that has more numbers than letters in the title. (Se7en was spelled
It's World War II. The German's are winning. So the Americans have to save
the day by trying to steal an old, rickety typewriter named Enigma. Things
go well, they get the typewriter, but their sub sinks, and they have to try
to make it back to safety in a crippled Nazi sub.
This is actually based on a real situation that involved the British, which
they admit at the end of the movie. Hollywood must of thought that watching
a bunch of Brits in a sub was too boring, so they brought in the Yanks.
Which, in the end, is just fine with me. Bring it on!
One wonders how many times we can be excited by the same perils. I mean just
how many different things can we do with a sub? Let's see... we can have it
dive deeper than it was ever supposed to. We can have ships on the surface
bomb the sub with depth charges. We can have a compartment fill with water
and drown some brave crew members who stayed behind to make sure the rest of
the ship is saved. We can shoot some torpedoes.
That's about it.
Unless you toss in a giant sea monster. Which needs to happen more often.
Even the moments of high tension are all borrowed from every other sub movie:
There's the moment when the young private has two officers yelling at him
with contrasting orders. "Shoot!" "No! Don't shoot!" "God damn it, shoot,
or we all die!" "No!!! Don't shoot no matter what happens!!!"
There's the moment when the sub is sinking seemingly uncontrollably. "200!
215! 230!" "My God, this ship was designed to be instantly pulverized at
180! We can't survive much longer!"
And of course, they can never use the radio.
So there are your stock situations, who are the stock characters in today's
Well, there's Matthew McConaughey, the plucky bongo-playing leading man
thrust into a situation he wasn't really looking for (Denzel Washington, Alec
Baldwin). There's Harvey Keitel, the grizzled old-timer who's been around
the block a few too many times (Gene Hackman, Sean Connery). And then
there's a bunch of young seamen who will die horribly, or save the ship
bravely, or desperately miss their best girl who they're gonna marry once
they get home, or who swear they're gonna freeze up if they ever see battle
but it turns out they come through when we least expect it. You know the
Is there anything new in this movie? No. But so what? You've got tons of
steel sinking into the cold, cold deep. Pass the popcorn.
I think Hollywood can save itself a lot of money with these movies. There's
really no need to make any more submarine movies. Just re-release Crimson
Tide and Das Boot over and over again. They can even give them different
names. It'll be like a game. Dreamworks will release 'Submarine!' and we
can all go and excitedly wonder if they're gonna show Crimson Tide or Das
Boot. It'd be fun, and everyone's guaranteed a good movie.
Anyway, U-571 gets 3.571 Babylons. It may seem like a lot, but I have a soft
spot for any movie which includes the words, "Dive! Dive! Dive!"
Add this movie to the legions of forgettable films that the SMC spends WAY
too much time talking about. This movie is so lame, as the SMC was writing
his review, his hair transformed magically into a Mullet.
Directed By: Jonathan Mostow
Starring: Matthew McConaughey, Harvey Keitel, Bill Paxton, Jon Bon Jovi and
lots of other hot, young, virile, sweaty, manly men.
Special Note From Boris:
Mailing list has been broken. Capitalistic Critic Pig whined like little
baby. It is now fixed.
Long live the revolution.