The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Clint Eastwood is The Man. He's always been The Man, he'll always be The Man. If you're looking for The Man, Clint's your Man.

But he's getting old.

His latest flick, True Crime, is a movie that wishes it was made about fifteen years ago. Back then, Clint kicked some serious butt. The ladies loved him, men respected and feared him. He became mayor of Carmel for no apparent reason. He was The Law, both in life and at the movies. Life was good.

But then Clint got old. He started to own up to it in Absolute Power, when he played an old, over the hill thief. It was a good role, and a decent film. But age can do some strange things to a man. Near as I can tell, Clint popped some Viagra and now he thinks he's in the running for People's Sexiest Man Alive.

He's not.

In True Crime, however, every woman wants him. I mean every woman. All the women are 20, 30, maybe approaching 40. But they are all dying to sleep with this 137-year-old who looks like he should be checking out nursing homes, not the local widow's rack. And there's one scene where he comes out of the bathroom topless.

Yuck. I may not eat for a month.

See, there's just a lot of this movie that I find hard to swallow. When a 23 year-old woman makes a pass at him, I can't help but laugh. The only 20 year-old who could possibly be interested in Clint is Anna Nicole Smith.

However, as I have said before, Clint Eastwood is The Man. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that he only directs movies anymore so he can get women young enough to be his granddaughter to make out with him. I have no problem with that.

But the movie has other flaws. Most of them stem around a little thing we call "coincidence." This movie is way too easy. Even the very premise ends up being ridiculous. A guy is about to be put to death when Clint, after only a couple of hours, comes up with some evidence that could save the man's life. If the evidence were a dying confession, or an amazing secret, that would be one thing, but when it's as simple as Clint saying "Hey. There was another guy there." Please. This is something police investigators would never have noticed? I don't think so.

Another really lame example.

Clint: "Damn, I'm going to have to spend all night poring through these boxes of evidence to look for the one clue that might be in there."

Other Guy: "Before you start looking, what's this lone piece of paper here on the floor?"

Clint: "That's it!"

Please. Even the tag at the end is ridiculously convenient. The whole movie is littered with implausible events that belong in a Teletubbies episode.

"Oh Gee! I wish I could save the nice man!"

"Oh look! Here's something absolutely impossible happening! I love this Land of Make Believe!"

Kill me now.

But it's not all bad. Just most of it.

Among the good stuff is the dying man. He's good. Convincing. I believed that he was getting ready to die. Also, the guards at the prison. This may sound odd, but they seemed like real people. With real lives. That had hopes, dreams, families. In short, they existed for more than just to be the guards at the prison who are going to kill the guy. Bravo.

However, unless you're looking for a docudrama about the state of correctional facilities, there's not much to recommend about True Crime. The Truest Crime of all being that all the women in the film want to jump Clint's bones. Even though it really looks like he wouldn't survive the jumping.

True Crime gets 2 Babylons. I would give it less, but then Clint would come after me and kill me. And that would be bad.

Editor's Note:

Believe it or not, I agree with the SMC about Clint's geriatric physique. It's like his skin is too big for his body anymore, and he's tried to make up for it by having really big breasts. However, just because I agree with the SMC's assessment of this movie doesn't mean I think he's less of an idiot.

True Crime
Rated: R
Directed By: Clint Eastwood
Starring: Clint Eastwood. That's it. Nobody else in the movie. Just Clint. The way movies were meant to be.

Join the Self-Made Critic Mailing List Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage