Since time immemorial, astrology has provided mankind many important services. It has shown us how the circumstances surrounding our birth can determine the paths of our life, it has provided counsel to people in times of momentous decision, and it has filled the space above "Junior Jumble" in innumerable comics pages. The central problem with Zodiac, however, remains the same: it's too damn complicated. Rams, crabs, virgins, whatever the hell that Capricorn thing is supposed to be. Plus, each sign has a stone and a body part and a special color to remember. And that doesn't even go into the entire house thing.

Well, whine no more! Buried amongst the Mesopotamian Rent Control Statutes in the Dubious Ancient Documents section of the archives of UC San Placebo, we found the teachings of an ancient form of divination so mind-bogglingly simple, yet pancreas-confusingly accurate, that it simply defies common sense. We naturally took it upon ourselves to bring the Wisdom of Some Ancient Guys to the masses, and so it is that we present to you:


There are only two signs in the Ödiac. If you are born on an odd date (e.g. the 27th of whatever), you are a Milli. If you are born on an even date, you are a Vanilli.

Here's how the signs break down:
ColorNatural ColorsArtificial Colors, like Jell-O or Day-Glo crayons
Body PartInternal OrgansVisible Organs
SymbolAn "M"A "V"

By now, you're certainly seeing the awesome forces we're dealing with here.

To make things relatively painless for you, we're going to present your Öroscope in a handy Page Toy format that you can put in your own Web page to remind you how much you need assistance to get through your life. The graphic will update weekly, providing you with fresh, Linux-grown spiritual insight. Below you'll see the two Öroscopes along with the code used to embed them in your very own slice of the Web.

[ Milli ]

<A HREF=""><IMG SRC="" WIDTH=250 HEIGHT=125 ALT="Milli" BORDER=0></A>


[ Vanilli ]

<A HREF=""><IMG SRC="" WIDTH=250 HEIGHT=125 ALT="Vanilli" BORDER=0></A>