1. You run into an old friend, whom you haven't seen in some time. You say, by way of greeting:

How do the monkeys fuck today?

Where are you hanging your suspenders lately?

I haven't seen you since cheese was inexpensive!

2. He lets you know that things could be worse, using the following colorful idiom:

Better to buy bad bread than good nose hair.

I'd rather have a cake in the sink than a wart on my balls.

You don't appreciate your elbows until your arms are broken.

3. You, on the other hand, are having a hard time of it. In other words:

The pigs have stolen the tractor.

The ducks are grunting.

The cow is on the ice.

4. "What's wrong?" asks your friend. Your business partner just died, but you don't want to be so blunt, so you say:

He bought a smaller bedroom.

He threw the spoon.

He can't go bowling any more.

5. Your friend, ever the optimist, wishes to remind you that fate is fickle. He says:

More horses, fewer oats.

You must take the wrapper with the gum.

Up as a sun, down as a pancake.

6. Even so, you can't help but feel that worse times are to come. You say:

I sense owls in the swamp.

Someone has left the herring out.

The banker is smiling.

7. Your friend thinks you're crazy, and he lets you know, saying:

You're wearing two boots on one foot.

You have Santa Clauses in your attic.

You're dancing around, but the radio is broken.