At times the Web seems merely pointless and lame, but at other times it leaps across the dotted line into downright pathetic. A few months ago the hot intellectual property was "Ate My Balls" pages, a shining example of the former. Now the big homepage trend appears to be "Virtual Adoption Centers" with names like "Cute Cuddly Kittens" and "Sheriberry DinoLand."

The idea, near as we can tell, is that you go to one of these online "Adoption Centers" and fill out a form promising to wuv and cuddle your little pixelated pet, and to give a link back to the place where you got it. In return, you get a ass graphic that you can put on your homepage and pretend it's real. It's the equivalent of cutting a picture of a Beanie Baby out of a magazine and putting it on your fridge, except everyone on the planet can see what a tube steak you are.

Never being ones to shy away from heartless mockery, we're providing you with an alternative to the feel-good world of virtual kitties and doggies and cute little cows. You want an adoption experience, see if you can handle Tina the Troubled Teen.

She's fourteen, listens to Switchblade Symphony, cuts Geography class, and smokes cloves when no adults are around. Put the following HTML on your page, and Tina will have a new smart-mouthed, negative, or tormented thing to say to you every day!

For pages with a light background:

<A HREF="http://www.brunching.com/toys/tina.html"><IMG SRC="http://www.brunching.com/images/tina.gif" BORDER=0 ALT="Tina the Troubled Teen"></A>

For pages with a dark background:

<A HREF="http://www.brunching.com/toys/tina.html"><IMG SRC="http://www.brunching.com/images/tina-dark.gif" BORDER=0 ALT="Tina the Troubled Teen"></A>