With mere hours left before America elects a new Figurehead of the Free World, voters are feeling a deep concern that they may forget one of the several thousand rumors, scandals, and embarrassing incidents that have peppered the presidential campaigns like some sort of pungent ground spice.

Don't worry your adorable head! We have a tool that will produce scandalized news headlines on demand, most of which probably existed at some point. Now you can decide who to vote for without having to know what "capital gains tax" means!