by David Neilsen

What do you do when you're an evolving cable network who has seen your main source of growth, NBA Basketball Games, taken away from you by a cruel twist of Greed?

What do you do when you're a highly talented NBA Basketball player who is being denied the right to make a living simply because you want the right to make more money than God?

You team up and cut your losses. Announcing TNT's upcoming mid-season replacements:

Clean Your Room! With Alonzo Mourning

Miami Heat star Mourning spends a half-hour each day with the kiddies cleaning his room. Most of the action takes place around Alonzo grabbing a loose shirt, rolling it into a ball, leaping into the air and stuffing the shirt into the clothes hamper, which is inexplicably hanging 8 feet above the floor.

COPS - NBA Players Edition

Has Sacramento Kings forward Chris Webber been caught with marijuana again? Has Washington Wizard star Juwan Howard been accused of sexual assault lately? Latrell Spreewell beaten anybody up lately? Watch NBA Millionaires get arrested for drunken bouts and public rowdiness on this exciting new series!

Let's Count Money!

Michael Jordan hosts this informative and educational series which teaches young children simple mathematics by having Jordan sit in a room and count all of his money over and over.

Sign That Pre-Nup!

Join Chicago Bull star Dennis Rodman in this humorous travelogue as he searches the world over for a woman who will actually consent to signing a prenuptial agreement before marrying him. Don't miss a single laugh!

Shaq Attack

Laker's Center Shaquille O'Neal stars as Shaq, a large, Pepsi-drinking sea monster who teams up with a spunky kid to save Japan from certain doom each week! Also stars Scott Baio and Emmanuel Lewis.

Who Are You?

The entire rosters of the Golden State Warriors and the Denver Nuggets walk around America trying to convince people that they're really NBA Basketball Players, and not a bunch of tall nobodies. No one believes them.